


Dreams of Bluer Skies

by Arionrhod, McKay



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-24
Updated: 2009-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-05 09:53:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arionrhod/pseuds/Arionrhod, https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 1978, all Severus wanted was to get the hell out of Hogwarts and start his life in the wide world beyond. In 1998, all Severus wanted was to survive the war and live out the rest of his life in peace. He didn't get exactly what he wanted either time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in the Snapely Holidays 2008 fest for karasu_hime. Features de-aged Snape and cross-gen (but not underaged) sexual activity.

"You're _old_!"

The horrified exclamation escaped Severus before he could censor it as soon as Lupin walked into the room, and he stared at Lupin, momentarily stunned by the changes. At last, he shook himself out of his stupor and rallied. "Grey hair doesn't prove anything. I can name three different potions and charms that would make him look older." He glared suspiciously at McGonagall, who had returned with Lupin. "This could still be a trick."

He'd been dubious ever since he woke up in the hospital wing with Pomfrey clucking over him. The last thing he remembered was packing his trunk because the Leaving Feast was that night, and he was ready to get the hell out of Hogwarts as soon as possible. He remembered being elated by the thought of never returning to Hogwarts again; once he received his NEWT scores, he could start looking for a job, or maybe he would take Regulus' advice and join the Death Eaters. The Blacks had said Regulus could join as soon as he turned seventeen, and he'd been wheedling Severus to join up with him for months, pointing out that Lord Voldemort would appreciate Severus' skills more than anyone _here_ ever had. If Voldemort rose to power, things would change, and maybe even Hogwarts would change. Maybe Dumbledore would be kicked out, and there would be no more favoring of the Golden Gryffindors while the Slytherins were overlooked. Regulus said Voldemort himself was rumored to have been a Slytherin, which had made Severus gloat to think of. Regulus wasn't the only one, either; many of Severus' other friends were planning to join Voldemort, too, and he suspected some of them had done it already.

He remembered clearing out the last drawer and kicking it shut, happy to put this school and almost everyone in it behind him. He'd been stifled here in more ways than one, and he _knew_ there was a place for him in the world beyond Hogwarts, somewhere he truly belonged with people who would respect and value him rather than bully and belittle him. He just had to find it, and he thought Voldemort's organization was a good place to start looking.

He remembered closing his trunk, and then... nothing. Not until he awoke to Pomfrey and McGonagall trying to convince him it was 1998, which _had_ to be a trick, although he'd always thought the teachers were above all that, especially that starchy old bitch, McGonagall, who walked around like she had a stick up her arse all the time. He guessed she hated him and the rest of the Slytherins just as much as anyone else did if she was willing to go along with one of Potter and Black's pranks, though, and he'd _known_ it was a hoax as soon as she said she would prove it by bringing Lupin to visit him.

As if Lupin wasn't Potter and Black's pet wolf. Or maybe wolf skin rug was more like it, considering how much Lupin let them walk all over him. McGonagall had tipped her hand by bringing Lupin into this, and Severus had known he was being tricked from that moment on. Still, if Black and Potter _had_ done something to him, he wanted proof he could take to someone with power. Someone who would do something about it. Someone like Voldemort. So he stayed on that narrow bed with his arms folded and his mind churning, and he waited until she brought Lupin in to see him.

"It isn't a trick, Severus." Lupin's voice was deeper and huskier, and Severus felt a little tingle of awareness at the sound of it, a tingle he viciously suppressed. "I really am older. Thirty-eight, to be exact."

Severus couldn't keep his eyes from widening at that, and he sat up straight as he peered at Lupin. Thirty-eight was _ancient_! "That's impossible!" he protested. "If you're really that old, how am I still eighteen?"

"I'd like an explanation for that myself," Lupin said, giving McGonagall a pointed look. "When you said Severus had returned to adolescence, I didn't think you meant it quite so literally."

"Oh, yes, I did." McGonagall looked grim as she moved to stand beside Severus' bed and reached out as if to touch him, although she obviously thought better of it and let her hand fall to her side again.

"It's a prank," Severus insisted, looking back and forth between them. "It has to be. He and his friends did something to me!" he shouted, pointing an accusatory finger at Lupin, who merely shook his head.

"It is not a prank." McGonagall's voice was stern enough to make Severus settle down and lean against the thin pillow at his back in a huff, and she peered at him over the top of her spectacles for a moment longer before clearing her throat and beginning to speak again. "I'm afraid you have twenty years of history to catch up on, Severus," she said, clasping her hands neatly. "I promise, everything will be explained to you in detail later, but I need Remus to understand what has happened, which means I cannot answer all of your questions right now." She gave Severus one last quelling look before turning her attention to Lupin.

"Before he died, Albus devised a means of keeping Severus safe should You-Know-Who-"

"Voldemort," Lupin interrupted pleasantly.

"Voldemort," she repeated, pursing her lips and giving him a reproachful look for the correction, although Severus didn't understand why it was such a big deal to say the man's name.

"Wait, Dumbledore is dead?" he interrupted, shocked but not terribly saddened by that revelation. "What happened to the old bastard?"

"I told you everything will be explained later," McGonagall replied, an icy edge in her voice, but then, she'd always acted like the old goat was Merlin's gift to the wizarding world. Maybe she had the hots for him, Severus thought with vicious glee.

"At any rate," she continued as if she hadn't been interrupted, "Albus wanted to keep Severus safe should Voldemort discover that he was our spy, thus the three of us worked together to create an artifact - a pendant, in this case - that would activate automatically if Severus' vital signs dropped below a certain level. Once activated, it was meant to put Severus in a state of hibernation, and he would remain that way until revived and healed."

"But the pendant didn't work exactly as planned," Lupin said, and McGonagall nodded.

"Instead of freezing him in time, it made him regress," she admitted, her lips thinning with annoyance. "By the time we found him in the Shrieking Shack and I could adjust the spell work, he had already lost twenty years. We're fortunate it worked as slowly as it did, or we might have ended up with an infant on our hands."

McGonagall and Lupin looked at him, then, with expressions that seemed to say the thought of a baby Snape horrified them both equally, and he glared back at them.

"At any rate," McGonagall continued, "I informed Poppy, and we decided to bring him here rather than take him to St. Mungo's, because there would be too many questions, and he has not yet been cleared of the charges of murder and treason. Poppy was needed to care for the injured after the battle, and so we kept him in stasis until she had time to heal him. When we revived him at last, we discovered he has no memory of the past twenty years. His mind regressed along with his body, and he believes he is eighteen years old, and this is the year 1978."

Folding his arms across his chest, Severus sneered at them both. "You hand me that load of shit and expect me to believe this isn't a trick?"

"I will deal with you shortly, Mr. Snape!" McGonagall snapped, fixing him with the kind of look he was familiar with from Transfiguration class. "Now kindly sit there and be quiet, or I will give you a detention despite you having left school two decades ago!"

Severus reared back, his eyes growing wide, but he shut his mouth with a snap and said nothing; he still didn't believe either of them, but he didn't want to risk her dragging him back to this hellhole to serve some stupid detention when he was supposed to be long gone. Nodding with satisfaction, she turned back to Lupin.

"This is all very interesting," Lupin said, inclining his head slightly. "But I fail to see what it has to do with me."

"You are the only one who is - was - close to Severus in age," she said wearily. "He remembers some of his former teachers, of course, but you are the only one he knew on a personal level at that age. Everyone else is..." She glanced at Severus, sympathy flashing in her green eyes. "Gone."

"Or too young for Severus to remember them, I suppose," Lupin added, and Severus bristled, quickly growing tired of being spoken of like he wasn't even in the room. But part of him was fascinated despite himself, and so he continued to listen, curious to find out how detailed their plot was.

"Kingsley has stepped in as acting Minister of Magic," she continued, "but it may be a while before he manages to repeal the werewolf anti-employment laws. I do not mean to sound callous in saying this, but you have time to help Severus adjust, and he knows you already. You may serve as a familiar touchstone while he acclimates to his new situation. If you had custody of Teddy, I would not ask, but..."

"But I don't," Lupin supplied, and she nodded sympathetically while Severus' scowl deepened. He had never heard half these names before, and a tiny niggle of doubt was starting to form in the back of his mind.

"As I said, you have the free time at present, and I'm certain a stipend could be arranged," she offered, but Lupin shook his head.

"There isn't any need. As Tonks' widower, I receive a pension from the Ministry. It's enough to live on, especially since I'm hardly a stranger to frugality." He glanced at Severus, who bristled at the sight of sympathy in Lupin's eyes. "I don't need a bribe to convince me to help Severus. I'm willing to do it."

"Who says I _want_ your help?" Severus snapped, fixing Lupin with a baleful glare. "I haven't seen anything to convince me either of you are telling the truth."

Minerva rounded on him, obviously intending to rap out a stinging retort or perhaps a reprimand for his language, but Lupin waved and shook his head. "You're right," he said easily. "All you've seen is Hogwarts, which is hasn't changed much since we were students. Let me take you outside these walls, and I'll show you how the world has changed." He glanced at McGonagall questioningly. "Assuming he's well enough to leave?"

"He is, yes," she replied tersely. "I would avoid taking him to Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley unless you introduce him under a different name. I've no idea how to explain what happened to him, and as I said, he is still wanted. If the Ministry found out he's alive, they would take him to Azkaban, regressed or not."

"Azkaban?" Severus stared at her, horrified. "Why would they take me to Azkaban? I've done nothing wrong!"

"Nothing that you remember." Lupin sighed and rubbed his forehead. "It's a long story, one I'll tell you later. For now, let's take a little field trip, shall we?"

"Where are we going?" Severus asked dubiously, making no move to rise.

"I'll let you decide that." Lupin beckoned to Severus as he headed for the door. "That way, you'll know it isn't a ruse."

"An excellent idea," McGonagall said, giving him a look of approval. "Meanwhile, I will pack Severus' personal belongings and see if I can find a photograph or two anywhere. That might help. Everything should be ready to go when you return. Regretfully, he cannot remain here indefinitely, but perhaps he could stay with you until we make some other arrangements?" she asked, and Lupin nodded.

"Certainly," he replied. "I've been looking for a smaller, less expensive flat, but I can remain in Tonks' flat for a while longer." He turned to Severus, who still hadn't stood up, and gave him a challenging look. "Shall we?" he asked, a hint of a challenge in his voice, which Severus couldn't resist.

Trick or not, he wasn't about to let Lupin get the best of him, and he threw back the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Yeah, I'll go with you." He grabbed his shoes and put them on, and then he tipped his chin up defiantly as he stood and followed Lupin out of the infirmary. "We'll play your stupid game a while longer."

They walked along the familiar stone corridors in silence. Severus barely took in his surroundings; he'd just spent the better part of seven years here, and the place had lost its novelty and allure for him long ago, but Lupin looked around with something that seemed to be wistfulness. It was a good act, Severus admitted grudgingly.

"Assuming any of this is true... when did the old bugger finally snuff it?" Severus asked casually, although he was burning to know the answer. He'd spent more time than he cared to think about trying to earn the bastard's approval by excelling in his studied, but all the recognition and praise had gone to Dumbledore's pet Gryffindors. He'd finally realized the futility of it when Dumbledore had protected Black and Lupin even after they'd tried to kill him. That had sent a clear message: a Slytherin's life wasn't as important as a Gryffindor's. Being a half-blood meant Severus hadn't been good enough for his grandfather, and being a Slytherin meant he hadn't been good enough for Dumbledore.

"About two years ago," Lupin replied, although he didn't offer any further details, much to Severus' annoyance, and Severus refused to give Dumbledore more attention than he was worth by asking. Besides, asking would mean he'd accepted the ruse, and he wasn't going to give the Gryffindors another laugh at his expense.

Lupin walked along with his hands in the pockets of a ratty, shapeless cardy, his expression calm; if he felt any guilt over the trick he was playing, he didn't show it, but then again, none of them had ever felt guilty over what they'd done to Severus, just as Severus had never felt guilty over anything he'd done in retaliation. If he could have done worse, he would have without a qualm. He hated Black and Potter, and Lupin was their pet, a muzzled monster who was worth nothing more than Severus' contempt.

As they neared the entrance hall, Severus noticed signs of spell damage, mostly in the form of tell-tale scorch marks marring the stones, and he frowned. Why would there be spell damage? Was this part of the trick, or had something happened while he was unconscious? Finally, he blurted out the question, unable to contain his curiosity any longer.

"What happened?" He pointed to the charred frame of a nearby portrait. "That wasn't damaged the last time I saw it."

"There was a battle here about three weeks ago," Lupin replied quietly, averting his gaze from the burned portrait. "That was when you were injured."

"Oh, that's your story." Severus didn't bother keeping the scorn out of his voice. "You've gone to great lengths to convince me. I'm impressed."

Lupin pressed his lips together as if in disapproval, and he shook his head, but "you'll see" was all he said. It was infuriating that they were persisting with this stupid _game_, one last pathetic attempt to pull one over on ol' Snivellus, as if Severus would fall for it if they just kept forcing it on him, but for now, he had no choice but to play along. He would prove them wrong soon enough, and then they'd see their prank had backfired on them.

Once they passed through the gate under the watchful eyes of the stone boars, Severus stopped and faced Lupin. "We can go anywhere, right?"

"Right. You can even Apparate us, just so you know I haven't directed you anywhere," Lupin said, and Severus nodded with satisfaction as he drew his wand.

"Fine." He grimaced as Lupin moved closer and grasped his elbow, not wanting Lupin to touch him, but it was a necessary evil, and he wasn't about to give up the sight of Lupin's disappointment when Severus proved this was nothing but a hoax. With a loud crack of displaced air, they disappeared, and when they reappeared in the narrow alley near his favorite music shop, Severus looked around, expecting to see everything looking just as it had at Christmas. He'd decided against going home; that would be the obvious choice, and they might have tampered with it somehow, perhaps with a glamour, but they couldn't have anticipated him choosing to visit the music shop.

A car zoomed past on the street beyond the alley, and Severus watched it pass with a frown. The design was a strange one, unlike anything he'd seen before. In fact, there seemed to be more traffic than he remembered, and _none_ of the cars looked right, but he walked out of the alley with his shoulders squared and his head held high. Just because he didn't know how they'd done it didn't mean there wasn't a rational explanation that had nothing to do with him having regressed twenty years.

The shop was just around the corner, and he quickened his step - only to stop short as soon as he barged through the door and saw nothing familiar. The shop was still there, and it still sold music, but the faded posters advertising the Beatles and The Rolling Stones that had hung on the dingy walls since Severus was a boy were gone, replaced by glossy posters of people Severus had never heard of, like Celine Dion and Robbie Williams. A sullen young man with dyed black hair, two rings on his left eyebrow, and one ring in his right nostril stood behind the till, and over the speakers, some painfully earnest woman was singing about her heart going on.

"What the _fuck_ is all this?" Severus demanded, whirling to face Lupin. He made a sweeping gesture to encompass the rearranged shelves, where not a single album was to be seen, only plastic cases wrapped in cellophane.

Lupin gazed back at him somberly, a flash of sympathy in his eyes that set Severus' teeth on edge. "Those are CDs. Compact discs, which are what music is recorded on these days. The bands have changed, too, or at least most of them have." Lupin's voice was gentle. "The world has moved forward, Severus, even if you don't remember it."

"No." Severus scowled and shook his head, refusing to accept Lupin's words, and he prowled restlessly down one aisle, flipping through the strange little cases at random. "This is... I don't know what it is." He whirled on Lupin again, his hands clenched into fists by his sides. "I don't recognize any of these. Where are The Sex Pistols albums? What about The Clash or The Ramones? I suppose you're going to tell me they don't even exist!"

Instead of answering aloud, Lupin moved to one of the bins and pulled out a plastic case, holding it up for Severus to see. The artwork on the cover was familiar - four long haired, denim-and-black-leather clad young men under the word "RAMONES" - the same that was on the record album Severus owned, only smaller. "They exist, but not on LPs any more. These are more durable and take up less space, and the sound quality is better, too."

Severus snatched the thing out of Lupin's hand and peered suspiciously at it. The cover was right, and he flipped it over to see a track list on the back. The song titles were the same, offering a familiar touchstone in the midst of this madness, and he found himself curious to see what was on the inside of the case.

Then it hit him. There was no way the Gryffindors could have predicted he would want to see the music shop, which meant they couldn't have orchestrated all these changes. Besides, he knew Potter and Black weren't nearly clever enough to think up a hoax this elaborate, not down to creating 'CDs' and strange new cars, and deep down, he knew they couldn't have coerced McGonagall and Pomfrey to participate in a prank.

But if he believed all that, it meant twenty years _had_ gone by, and it was more comforting to believe all this was a joke than to accept the fact that the entire world had changed, and he'd missed all of it somehow.

"No!" He shoved the case roughly into Lupin's hands and stormed out of the shop. Home was only a short distance away, and he wanted to see Mum. _She_ would tell him the truth! She would help him sort out this farce, and then everything would be all right again.

"Severus, wait!" Lupin called out, and Severus heard the bell over the door ringing violently and Lupin's footsteps hurrying after him. Lupin caught up, and Severus thought for a moment that Lupin was actually going to touch him, but then Lupin's hand fell back to his side. "It's all new to you, I know, but you aren't alone. Minerva and I will help you catch up and adjust to your new environment," Lupin said, his tone obviously meant to be comforting. "You've received a chance most people would kill for, you know. The chance to start over."

Severus stopped walking and turned on Lupin, fury rising hot and fast within him. "I don't _want_ to start over! I want _my_ life back!"

Lupin didn't retreat from Severus' anger. "I'm afraid that's the one thing you can't have, Severus. I know it won't be easy for you to accept, but I haven't lied to you and I won't start now. The life you knew doesn't exist any longer, but in its place, you have the opportunity to avoid a great many painful mistakes."

Severus shook his head vehemently, refusing to listen to anything else. "Shut up, Lupin, and leave me alone," he snarled, and then he pivoted on his heel and stalked away, determined to go home and talk to someone he trusted, _not_ people who had made his life miserable for seven long years.

"I can't leave you alone," Lupin said, jogging up beside Severus once again, although Severus could hear Lupin's breathing was growing labored as he tried to keep up with Severus. "And I do want to help you." From the corner of his eye, he saw Lupin glance around. "Where are we going now?"

Annoyed anew that Lupin seemed insistent on following, Severus quickened his pace even more. "None of your fucking business," he snarled.

There was no mistaking Lupin's long-suffering sigh, but unfortunately, the man didn't have the wit to bugger off as Severus wanted. Instead Lupin stayed doggedly at his heels, as though determined to keep up no matter how fast Severus moved. Despite Lupin's persistence, Severus didn't slacken his pace, and while he seemed intent on his destination, part of him was cataloguing all the differences he saw along the way. This house was more run-down, that house had a fresh coat of paint and the garden had been tended, shops stood empty or had changed from a bakery to a chemist's. Fortunately, things hadn't changed so much that he couldn't find his way home, and he arrived at Spinner's End with a growing sense of relief.

The house - their house - looked much the same, and he could tell by looking that it hadn't been abandoned. He raced up the steps and opened the front door with a muttered "alohomora", and he burst inside, looking around with frantic desperation.

"Mum?" He darted into the lounge, stopping short and staring at the room with a puzzled frown. Where was her chair? Her sewing basket? "Mum, where are you?"

There were footsteps in the corridor behind him, then they stopped, and Lupin spoke. "This was your house, I assume?" Again Lupin had that sympathetic tone, as though he actually cared about how Severus felt.

"That should be obvious even to you," Severus snapped, glaring at Lupin over his shoulder, and then he resumed his perusal of the room, which was familiar, yet strikingly different.

Other than his mother's chair being gone, the furniture was the same as it had always been, but the wallpaper he'd always hated was obscured by floor-to-ceiling bookshelves that covered most of the wall space. Every shelf was crammed full of books and journals, and he recognized the subjects as being of interest to him, which meant they probably belonged to him. Or rather, to his older self. But if he'd changed things, that could only mean...

"She's dead too, isn't she." His voice was flat, and he bowed his head, feeling the unexpected loss like a punch in the gut.

"I don't know for certain," Lupin said softly. "I've never heard anything about your family, not even during the year we both taught at Hogwarts. Minerva might know, though. Or perhaps there is something among your papers."

Without a word, Severus whirled and ran out of the room, and he raced upstairs to his mother's bedroom. He flung open the door and peered inside, hopeful for any sign of her presence, any sign that would negate his suspicions, but instead of seeing her bed with the fussy flowered bedspread and her dressing table with the silver brush and comb set he'd given her for Christmas two years ago, he saw more shelves lining the walls, these filled with countless bottles and jars, and along one wall was a worktable with a cauldron set up on top and brewing utensils lined up neatly beside it.

"You are - were - one of the finest potion brewers in the country." Again Lupin was close behind, the fucking idiot not seeming to get the message that Severus didn't want him hanging around. "I'm sure she would have been proud of you for that."

Severus stared sightlessly at all the _stuff_, things that he could believe belonged to him but that he didn't recognize. Things that ought not be there at all. There was no way he would have changed her room, though, unless she was no longer there. He was alone, his immediate family all dead.

"So what?" His voice was ragged, and it cracked, but he was too upset to care. "She's dead!" He whirled and faced Lupin again, his chest constricted with tight, hard knots of pain, and he dealt with it the only way he knew how. "My mother is dead, and I wasn't with her! I don't know how or when it happened. I missed my own mother's death, and I'm meant to care whether she was proud of me?"

Lupin's expression was somber, and again he lifted his hand as though he wanted to touch Severus, but he didn't quite complete the motion. "Given how much you cared about her, I'm certain you _were_ with her, if you could have been. You didn't miss it; you simply don't remember it anymore, and it isn't your fault! We can find out what happened, if that will help you. I know this must hurt, and I'm sorry for that, but don't add unnecessary guilt to your grief. As for the other... I imagine you care a great deal about how she felt about you, or this wouldn't be so difficult for you."

"Who else?" Severus didn't want to talk about his mother or how difficult this was or was not, not with Lupin. He wasn't about to discuss his feelings with one of those who had tormented him all through school. Lupin might not have been an active participant like Black and Potter, but he had no doubt Lupin had helped with the planning, and Lupin had certainly never done anything to stop them. And now Lupin wanted to act like he _cared_? "McGonagall said you're the only one left, so who else is 'gone'?"

A flash of pain shone in Lupin's eyes, and for a moment, Severus thought he might refuse to answer. Then Lupin averted his gaze. "Almost our whole class - our whole generation," he replied, his voice low and husky. "Sirius, James, Peter. Not that you care about them, I know. Wilkes and Rosier died in the first war. Avery is in Azkaban, last I heard. Regulus Black died in the first war, too, after he turned against Voldemort."

"Regulus..." Severus swayed backwards and grabbed the edge of the worktable to keep himself upright, feeling as if he'd been hammered again at the news that his friends were dead or in prison, but his heart wrenched the most at hearing of Regulus' death. He'd trusted Regulus more than he trusted any of his other friends, and he'd cared for Regulus far more than for any of the rest as well. He snapped his head up as a thought suddenly occurred to him. "What about Lily? You didn't mention her. Does that mean she's still alive, at least?"

Lupin hesitated, and then he looked up at Severus with reluctance. "No. Lily died, too, on the same night as James. Voldemort was intent on murdering their son, because of a prophecy that predicted Voldemort's destruction at the hands of someone born at the end of July. They went into hiding, but they were betrayed, and Voldemort tracked them down. Lily sacrificed herself to save her child, and I don't think you ever forgave him for that."

"She married _Potter_?" Severus stared at him in abject horror, sickened by everything he was hearing. "They had a child, and she died because of it? No... No! It can't be true! She can't be dead, not because of _him_. She deserved better!"

Something in Lupin's face hardened, the gentle sympathy in his expression fading. "She died because of Voldemort," he said sternly. "James didn't kill her. Voldemort did. James loved her and tried to protect her. So did Sirius, and so did I. She did deserve better, but what she got was a friend who betrayed her and sold her and her family out to Voldemort to increase his standing in the Death Eaters. Don't _ever_ say James caused her death, because he died for her!"

Severus clutched the edge of the table until his knuckles turned white, the implications of Lupin's words sinking in, but he couldn't bear to believe what Lupin implied was true. "A friend betrayed her," he repeated. "Not me." He shook his head vehemently, refusing to accept the possibility even though the description seemed to fit. "You can't mean me. I wouldn't betray her, even if she was fucking _stupid_ enough to get caught up in Potter's lies and couldn't see what he really was anymore. I _wouldn't_!"

Lupin continued to look at him with that implacable expression, but then it softened a little. "You gave Voldemort the prophecy, but you didn't know who it referred to. There were two children who fit the conditions. I often think you were so horrified by what happened, it turned you against Voldemort and drove you to Albus, who made you his spy." A shudder wracked Lupin's slender frame, and his face suddenly showed every one of its nearly forty years. "You contributed, but it was Peter who actually sold them to Voldemort. He even managed to frame Sirius for killing James, Lily, and Peter himself before escaping. In that one night, I lost every friend I'd ever had, so trust me when I say I understand exactly what you're going through."

Severus didn't care what Lupin had or hadn't felt; he barely even heard what Lupin had said. His mind was buzzing with static, unable to process everything he'd learned. Practically everyone he knew was dead, and he'd learned about it in the space of a few minutes rather than spacing it out over a lifetime; it scarcely even seemed real, but he knew it was. This was no prank or hoax. He had lost twenty years. He had lost _everything_.

He groped in his back pocket, his fingers shaking as he sought the package of Silk Cuts that ought to be there, but he came up empty. McGonagall had probably confiscated them, or maybe his older self had quit, although that seemed unlikely. Then again, everything he'd learned since waking up seemed unlikely.

"Fuck," he muttered, pushing his fingers through his hair. What the bloody hell was he meant to do now? No family, no friends, no _nothing_, and twenty years behind everyone else in the whole bloody _world_. He'd never been the most optimistic person at the best of times, but now, his outlook was bleaker than it had ever seemed before in his life. Shocked beyond speech or thought, he sagged against the edge of the table and stared at the floor, unable to make himself move.

Lupin moved closer and rested his hand lightly on Severus' shoulder. "If you've learned enough for now, why don't we go back to Hogwarts?" Lupin asked, and the gentle, soothing tone was back in his voice. "You're in shock, and you need time to take everything in. I know you probably hate the place, but it's at least familiar, and maybe Minerva and I can help you sort things out. It's safer for you there at the moment."

Lupin's words penetrated the haze in Severus' mind, and he roused himself enough to shake his head. "I don't want to go back there." To him, Hogwarts had become the place where almost everything bad in his life had originated, and he never wanted to step foot on the grounds again.

"All right." Lupin hesitated, and then he tightened his grip on Severus' shoulder. "I'll take you to Ton - to my flat," he said as he drew his wand.

There was the familiar crack of displaced air, and then they were standing in a different room, this one a complete antithesis of the house they'd just left. The decor was bright and cheerful, and it gave him the impression that someone young and female lived there, not an old, poor werewolf. He didn't bother scrutinizing his new surroundings, however ; he didn't care where he was as long as it wasn't Hogwarts or that empty house where all the evidence of his mother's life had been erased. He wanted nothing more than to hole up somewhere and shut out the rest of the world for a while, but he didn't have anywhere safe to go, and so he stood there, at a loss.

Lupin nudged him toward the sofa and gently urged him to sit down. "Tea, I think, and something to eat." Lupin patted his shoulder briefly before moving away from him at last. "It's normal to be in shock after all that's happened to you. Trust me on this one. I'll make the tea and be right back."

With that, Lupin left him alone in the unfamiliar room to wait for tea he didn't even want; part of him wanted to rage and rail and spit defiance because he could bloody well take care of himself, but the greater part of him was too battered to shout. As little as he wanted to admit it, he needed a guiding hand, and at the moment, Lupin was all he had. And that thought depressed him even more.

Within a few minutes, Lupin returned bearing a tray with a steaming pot of tea, two cups, and a plate of biscuits. He bent down and placed it on the table in front the sofa, and he poured a cup of tea for them both. "One lump for you, if I recall correctly," Lupin said, dropping a lump of sugar into one of the cups and stirring it carefully. He held out the cup to Severus with a small, encouraging smile. "The English cure-all, you know. Perhaps it's cliché, but it does seem to help."

Severus took the cup mechanically and held it; the steam rose up and filled his nose with a familiar, comforting scent that made his throat close up. It wasn't fair! He'd longed to escape from Hogwarts and everyone there who tormented him, and now that he had, his entire life had been turned upside-down. He stared into the depths of the cup without seeing it, and he fervently wished he would wake up from this nightmare or that something would happen to make all of this go away and take him back to that afternoon before the leaving feast.

Lupin took a seat in a squashy chair set at a right angle from the sofa, and he remained quiet for several long moments as though waiting to see what Severus would do. He sipped at his tea, and after a while, he began to speak quietly. "I know it can't be easy for you to hear all your friends are gone. You've also had to hear about things you did that I'm sure are disturbing, but I want you to know, Severus, that you are - were - a good man. A very good man. Your life had more hardship in it than anyone deserved, but you were a survivor, and you lived your life on your own terms as much as you could. You bore up under pressures that would have destroyed a lesser man, and I always admired you for it. I respected you more than you knew, and even though we weren't friends, I would have been happy to be yours, if you'd ever wanted that."

Lupin's words sank in gradually and roused Severus from his torpor enough shoot a baleful look at him. "Right. You respected me so fucking much that you allowed your friends to do whatever they wanted, and you didn't lift a finger to stop them even though you _should_ have. You even helped them plan their so-called pranks!"

Lupin fell quiet, and he searched Severus' face somberly. "You're right, I should have," he said at last. "Over the years, I've often wondered if my own inaction influenced your decision to join the Death Eaters and helped set in motion the events that followed after. I have no excuse for my behavior, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for failing you and for failing myself. All I will say in my defense is that I didn't know what Sirius planned to do that night in the Shack, or I would have stopped him. I've never turned anyone, and I never will. Sirius used me as badly as he used you on that occasion, because if I _had_ bitten or killed you, I would have been put to death."

Severus sneered, although he didn't refute Lupin's claim; he had studied Dark creatures in enough depth to know the laws constraining them, and he knew Lupin was right: the penalty for a werewolf harming a human was high. The laws hadn't been quite so stringent until the last ten years or so - or what Severus thought of as the last ten years. He'd read articles in the paper warning people about a rogue werewolf who seemed to live to kill and turn people, and the Ministry had been unable to catch him. If the reports were to be believed, this Fenrir was allegedly responsible for creating most of the werewolves in Great Britain, and his behavior was making things difficult for the rest of his kind.

As little as he wanted to admit it, Severus felt a bit of grudging sympathy for Lupin. He knew how it felt to be betrayed by a friend, which was what Lily had done in choosing Potter and his merry band of sodding bastards over him. In the end, she'd proved to be more shallow than he thought, choosing a glittery facade that hid a rotten core over the loyalty Severus would have offered her. But no, Severus was _different_. Ugly and poor and interested in the wrong things.

He tightened his fingers around the cup and shot a defiant glare at Lupin. "I knew about you, you know," he said, tilting his chin up haughtily. He didn't want to feel sympathy for Lupin; he wanted to feel like he had _some_ control over his own life, even if it meant getting the upper hand somehow. "Even before Black tried to kill me."

Lupin blinked at that, and then he chuckled ruefully. "Somehow, I'm not surprised. You've always been too clever by half." He paused, studying Severus as if considering something. "If you knew, then why did you go to the Shack that night? You must have known what you would find when you got there."

Severus scowled and turned his glare back to his cup. "I was curious," he said in a low, grudging voice. "I wanted to see a transformed werewolf for myself and find out if the books were right. I thought I could handle it. I thought..." He trailed off and gave a one-shouldered shrug, not wanting to admit he'd been more terrified than he'd imagined he would be, but the books never mentioned the horrific reality of having a huge, snarling, slavering beast lunging at your throat.

"That was incredibly risky for both of us," Lupin said, frowning in obvious disapproval. "You shouldn't have gone in without protection."

"I had my wand," Severus replied, aggrieved. "If that was enough protection for your _friends_, it should've been enough for me!"

Lupin hesitated briefly before responding. "They were Animagi. I never told them I was a werewolf; they figured it out on their own, and they spent two years learning to transform for my sake. Werewolves don't attack animals, so they were able to enter the Shack without endangering themselves."

"Oh." On the one hand, Severus was mollified to learn that pack of idiots hadn't managed to protect themselves against a transformed werewolf with their wands alone when he hadn't been able to; on the other, he was annoyed to learn they'd mastered a branch of magic that he hadn't, even that fawning idiot Pettigrew. "Still, it wasn't as if it was a surprise. I'd known for ages what you are. I could have got you expelled," he said, feeling anger surging anew. "But I didn't because I thought Dumbledore would protect you, and I was right. He would never have let anything happen to his precious Gryffindors."

"Yes, Albus protected me." There was a huskiness to Lupin's voice, and he lowered his gaze to his lap. "Albus is one of the few people who ever gave me a chance. Oh, Sirius and James accepted me, but that was partly because they were young and thought it was cool to have a werewolf as a friend. But Albus didn't protect me simply because I was a Gryffindor. He protected you, too, you know. After you turned against Voldemort, he went before the Wizengamot to keep you out of Azkaban, claiming you were working for him all along. Albus certainly wasn't perfect, but he did his best. In the end, he used both of us along with many others to achieve his goals. I think if he had one major failing, it was that sometimes in his obsession with the big picture, he neglected to see the individuals involved."

"Unless they were Gryffindors," Severus muttered, unwilling to accept that he had been so stupid as to _go back_ to Dumbledore and to Hogwarts as an adult. He'd had such high hopes for his life! But it sounded as if he'd remained trapped at the very place with the very people he hated most, unable to escape no matter what.

Overwhelmed, he put the cup of cold tea aside and buried his head in his hands. He didn't know what to do or where to go, and he had no one to turn to for help, solace, or advice. Well, no one he _wanted_ to turn to, no one he trusted enough to admit how lost he felt. He was alone, and he had no idea what to do with his life now.

Abruptly, he recalled something McGonagall had said, and he snapped his head up. "Didn't McGonagall say I'd be sent to Azkaban if anyone found out I'm still alive?" he demanded.

An expression of discomfort crossed Lupin's face, and Severus had the distinct impression Lupin wasn't eager to discuss this particular topic. Then Lupin drew in a deep breath. "Yes, but it's... complicated," he said, running his fingers through his hair. "When the second war began, you went back to spying for the Order of the Phoenix - Albus' name for those of us who worked for him to defeat Voldemort - as a Death Eater. Things are never clear cut in situations like that, you understand, and loyalties are always suspect. You... murdered Albus. It shocked everyone, and I don't think anyone other than Minerva knew Albus had made you promise to do it. It was part of his plan to have Voldemort accept your loyalty without question, and Albus was dying anyway." Grief, brief and intense, haunted Lupin's expression. "There hasn't been time for your name to be cleared yet, although Kingsley Shacklebolt working on it. He was in the Order with both of us, and he's now acting Minister of Magic, so he knows the full story. It may take more time, but when it does happen, everyone will know you were a hero. The war would not have been won without you."

Severus recoiled, shocked and horrified. He'd murdered Dumbledore? How much blood did he have on his hands? Wasn't Lily's death enough? He wondered how all his hopes for a better, happier life had gone so horribly wrong.

"It doesn't sound heroic to me," he said, his voice a harsh croak that was almost unrecognizable to his own ears. "It sounds hellish."

"That, too." Lupin didn't dispute Severus' words. "War isn't quick, clean, or easy, and heroism is rarely a cut and dried issue. It's much easier for those on the outside looking in to make judgment calls than it is for those who lived through it. But I believe you were a hero. So does Minerva, and so does Kingsley, and others, too, who know what really happened. In taking responsibility Albus' death upon yourself, you saved the life of the young man Voldemort had ordered to do the deed, a young Slytherin of whom, from all signs, you were very fond. If Draco Malfoy had killed Albus, he'd have been sent to Azkaban. Now he has a chance at a life without the stain of murder on his soul. But you have a chance for life again too, Severus. You've lost a great deal, but you have a chance to build a new life for yourself, a _better_ life than the one you lived the first time around."

For Severus, it didn't feel much like an opportunity; it felt overwhelming, like he was being crushed under the weight of a life he didn't remember. Clenching his fists, he shook his head. "No. _No_. I don't want this. I want _my_ life. I don't want to be punished for things I didn't do or have to deal with - with _this_!" He made a sweeping gesture to encompass everything Lupin had told him. "It's too much, and I don't want any of it!" He shot Lupin an accusatory glare. "Why can't they undo it?"

"I know you don't want it," Lupin said quietly, but his tone, while sympathetic, wasn't appeasing. "I don't know if it can be undone or not. That's something that you'll have to discuss with Minerva, but I suspect if there was a way to reverse it, she would have done so already, rather than putting you through this. Despite what you might think of her, Minerva _is_ fond of you, and you seemed to tolerate her better than you did most people. But do you honestly want it undone? If that happened, you'd be back to where you were before. This isn't easy, but if you stop and think, Severus, perhaps you'd see you can remake your life into anything you want." Lupin regarded him with something like wistfulness. "If I were in your shoes, I'd want to take what I had learned about my mistakes and find a way to make my life better than it had been."

Severus scowled and pressed his lips in a tight, thin line, refusing to say more. Lupin didn't understand; the cheerful optimism and platitudes were exactly what Severus expected from a Gryffindor, especially since the whole lot of them had the emotional range of a gnat.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," he said in a low voice. He'd had all he could take for the time being, and if Lupin tried to point out the bright side one more time, hexes would fly.

For a moment, it seemed Lupin might protest, but then he simply nodded and stood. "I'll show you to a bedroom you can use. It's not much, but it'll have to do. While you rest, I'll ask Minerva if she's finished packing your things yet. Perhaps having something familiar will help you to adjust."

At the moment, Severus didn't care where he was as long as it wasn't Hogwarts, and he stood up as well and folded his arms, staring sullenly at Lupin. "Fine," he said in a grudging tone, refusing to be gracious even though he knew Lupin could just as easily kick him out to fend for himself.

Lupin didn't comment on Severus' sullenness; instead, he beckoned for Severus to follow him down a short corridor. He pointed to a door on the right. "That's the loo. Towels are in the cupboard, toiletries as well." Then he reached out and opened a door on the left. "You can use this room. I'll get clean linens for the bed and change it, or you can do it if you'd prefer." Lupin pointed at a door further down the corridor. "That's where I sleep, if you need me for any reason."

"I doubt it." Severus mustered a sneer despite his emotional overload. "Just give me the linens and leave me the fuck alone, Lupin."

In the narrow space of the corridor, Lupin drew himself upright and squared his shoulders, his eyes flashing. "Listen to me, Severus Snape. I sympathize with you, and I want to help you, but I expect you to be civil while you're here. I'm not saying you can't disagree with me or get angry with me, but given I have done nothing but offer support and civility to you, I expect you to make at least a minimal effort, which includes not cursing at me in my own home. I am not the young man you remember from Hogwarts, and while I am happy to be your sounding board, under no circumstances will I be your whipping boy. You're an adult, so I bloody well expect you to act like one, whether you like me or not."

Severus reared back, shocked by the unexpected display of backbone from Lupin of all people, and he drew himself upright. "You sound like a _mother_," he spat, and then he spun on his heel, stormed into the bedroom, and slammed the door behind him.

Once the door was closed safely behind him, he threw himself on the bed and released a shuddery sigh, his body going limp; his armor crumbled as the weight of everything he'd learned that day crashed down, and he buried his face in the crook of his elbow, willing himself not to cry despite the burning and prickling of his eyelids. He wasn't Snivellus anymore, damn it, and he wouldn't let this break him, not after everything else had failed, including his grandfather.

The memory of that old bastard hardened his resolve; he'd survived Grandfather Prince, and he would survive this. Somehow. He didn't know what he was going to do, but he would figure it out. Right now, he just wanted to forget everything for a while, and he reached out to snag a bare pillow and drag it under his head. Within minutes, he was fast asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Whether it was due to shock or an effect of the regression, Severus didn't know, but he slept the rest of the day and through the night, waking only when the urges of his bladder and his stomach were too great to ignore any longer. He was still bleary-eyed and sleep-tousled when he wandered into the kitchen, led by the scent of bacon and eggs, to find Lupin making breakfast.

He leaned against the door frame and watched in silence for a moment, seeing Lupin in ways he hadn't the day before. It made a difference, knowing Lupin looked the way he did, not because of a potion or charm, but because of time. With a sudden jolt, he realized that at the ripe old age of thirty-eight, Lupin was old enough to be his _dad_, which was unsettling, to say the least.

Grey hair aside, Lupin didn't _look_ terribly old, not like Dumbledore or McGonagall; his face wasn't covered in wrinkles, but he wasn't as thin and lanky as Severus remembered him either. His shoulders were broader, and his torso was thicker. Not fat, Severus noted, but filled-out like a grown man's body tended to be. Lupin's eyes looked old, though. Old and tired, as if he'd seen a lot of things he'd rather not have seen.

Severus could relate to that. He didn't _want_ to relate to Lupin, but it was kind of hard not to, especially since he found it difficult to connect this Lupin to the Lupin he'd known for the past seven years. He found himself seeing this older Lupin as someone different to the weak-willed teenager, and that was disconcerting, too.

Finally, he pushed himself away from the door and ambled into the room, not wanting to continue that particular train of thought. "Where d'you keep the tea? I'll put the kettle on," he said, noticing Lupin hadn't done it yet.

"Cabinet next to the fridge, bottom shelf. There's Earl Grey, cinnamon, and Oolong," Lupin answered, casting a brief glance back at Severus over his shoulder as he flipped over the bacon in the pan. His voice was light and his tone even, as though his sternness of the day before was a thing of the past. "How many eggs would you like, and how would you prefer them?"

"Two. Fried." Severus went to the indicated cabinet and pulled out the tin of Earl Grey for himself. He considered letting Lupin fend for himself, but he supposed he could trade a cup of tea for some eggs. "What kind do you want?" he asked, his own tone neutral. Just because he was making tea didn't mean he suddenly wanted to be Lupin's best friend, and he wanted to make sure Lupin knew that.

"Earl Grey for me as well." Lupin forked the bacon onto a plate to drain, and then he plucked a couple of eggs from the carton on the counter. "I hope you slept well. I imagine after what you've been through, you were exhausted."

"I guess." Severus snagged the kettle, filled it, and returned to the stove, keeping a careful distance between himself and Lupin as he turned on a burner and put the kettle on to boil. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the counter, watching Lupin with narrowed eyes. "What else have I missed?" he asked at last. "If you've got anymore bombshells to drop, get it over with."

There was a sudden flash of amusement in Lupin's hazel eyes, and they crinkled at the corners. "Well, Sid Vicious is dead, and we had a female Prime Minister for twelve years," he said, turning over Severus' eggs with practiced flip of the spatula. "The Rolling Stones are still big, so that might be good news for you." He regarded Severus with a more somber expression. "I'm not quite certain what other things to tell you. I think we covered all the major events of the wizarding world."

Severus stared at him. "What the fu-" He broke off, glaring at Lupin when he remembered the rule about cursing; he'd had to watch his language around his mother, but he'd never thought he'd have to watch it around Lupin, too. "What happened to Sid? How can the Stones still be big? I thought Keith Richards would be dead by now. Aren't they all a hundred and fifty years old anyway?"

"Mick Jagger isn't even sixty, and neither is Keith Richards." Lupin dished up Severus' eggs onto a plate and handed it to him. "Here, you go and sit down, and I'll get the tea. As for Sid, he overdosed on heroin. Drugs have taken a lot of the famous musicians and actors you remember. A disease called AIDS killed many others."

Severus took the plate and sat down at the table, shaking his head in disbelief. "Sid's gone, and the Stones are still playing." He screwed up his face in distaste. "Sixty is too old for rock and roll. They'll break a hip or something."

Lupin chuckled as he reached for the kettle when it began to whistle, and he began preparing the tea. "Sixty isn't so old as you might think, young man, although I seem to recall feeling the same thing when I was your age. As I've grown older, however, people like Mick and Keith don't seem nearly so ancient to me now. Rock and roll is still alive and well, by the way, although it's gone through a few phases in the last twenty years. Disco did indeed die, however, and there was much rejoicing."

"Finally some _good_ news," Severus muttered, picking up his fork and taking a bite of his eggs. He glanced sidelong at Lupin, noting but not commenting on the 'young man' remark, which implied Lupin might be viewing him differently as well.

"It got worse before it got better, but it did get better." Drawing his wand, Lupin levitated the plate of bacon, two racks of toast, and the tea pot over to the table, before picking up his own plate of eggs and taking a seat in the chair opposite Severus. "Outside of music, the Soviets declared Communism a failure and broke up the Soviet Union. The scientific community cloned the first mammal, a sheep. If you see someone who looks as if they're talking into their hand, likely they're carrying a mobile phone. The Muggle world continues to advance, while the magical one stays pretty much the same."

Severus tried to imagine all these changes, but he couldn't; he supposed he would see it all for himself soon enough, though. "How can you say our world has stayed the same. I've missed two wars! What happened to Voldemort? Do you know how Regulus died? What did I do all these years other than serve as Dumbledore's lapdog?"

Lupin took a bite of his eggs, seeming to muse on Severus' questions as he lifted a napkin to wipe his lips. "Perhaps our world will change now, hopefully for the better, but between the first and second wars with Voldemort, things were fairly static. So static that you had to show the Minister of Magic himself your Dark Mark to convince him Voldemort wasn't dead, and even that didn't really work. But the same prejudices - Pureblood versus Muggleborn, rich against poor - those survived. I can't even hold a job because the prejudice against werewolves is so ingrained that even my role in the war hasn't earned me any respect."

There was a wealth of bitterness in Lupin's voice, and he drew in a breath and seemed to collect himself. "Voldemort is truly dead this time, so he won't be back. Regulus Black, as far as I have been told, died trying to destroy a locket in which Voldemort had hidden part of his soul; if you don't know what a Horcrux is, I have some notes about how it is made and what it does. And you..." Lupin looked at him, his face a mask. "I wouldn't say you were Albus' lapdog by any stretch of the imagination. No one forced you to stay at Hogwarts, you know. You were the Potions Master there, and you were probably the most feared teacher ever to walk the corridors. I taught Defense for a year myself, and you grew so angry with me over something that wasn't my fault that you outed me as a werewolf to the entire Wizarding world. Albus had asked you not to, so... I think it's safe to say he wasn't pulling your strings like some evil puppet-master."

Severus listened quietly and gazed down at his plate, a riot of emotions tumbling within him. He felt a fresh pang of loss over hearing of Regulus' fate, but he no longer felt overwhelmed by all his losses, confusion settling into grief. "So I ended up joining Voldemort," he murmured, his appetite suddenly gone. "I was... thinking about it. My friends were going to. Some already had, and Regulus has - had - been encouraged me. He wanted us to join together when he turned seventeen. His parents were making him wait until then, but they were proud of him. I wonder why he changed his mind." He glanced at Lupin sharply. "I do know what a Horcrux is, by the way. I'm the greasy git who knows too much about the Dark Arts, remember?"

Lupin inclined his head to acknowledge Severus' comment about the Horcrux, and then he picked up his tea and sipped it, watching Severus over the rim of his cup. "I think, like many others, Regulus probably was attracted by Voldemort's power and promises, but he found the reality of torture and murder too much to stomach. Frankly, I'm not at all surprised that you didn't care for it, either. I wouldn't be shocked if only a few of the really sick bastards, like Bellatrix Lestrange and Barty Crouch, actually enjoyed the depravity, and the rest stayed because they were too afraid of what might happen if they tried to leave. Voldemort was skilled in his recruitment techniques, and he terrorized not only Muggles and Muggleborn, but also his own followers. Your reports to the Order included many instances of his followers being tortured, usually with the Cruciatus curse, when he felt they had failed him. Unfortunately, former Death Eaters are no more popular with the public than werewolves, so they were caught in a damned if they did, damned if they didn't situation if they changed their minds about following him."

"So that's why I could be sent to Azkaban: because I was a Death Eater," Severus concluded. "I have a house and all that stuff in it, but I can't have any of it. It's all useless. What am I supposed to do about money or finding a job? I don't want to stay in hiding for the rest of my life!"

"I doubt you'll have to stay in hiding for long," Lupin replied evenly. "Kingsley Shacklebolt is doing what he can on that front, and believe me, he is a most determined man. I spoke to Minerva last night after you went to bed, and she seems hopeful that your name will be cleared sooner rather than later. Kingsley always liked you, and before you take off on a well-worn tangent, Kingsley was a Ravenclaw, not a Gryffindor. I know him quite well, and there isn't a better person to have fighting on your side."

Severus gave a derisive snort at that, but he didn't argue; he was too surprised - and deep down, pleased - that someone was actually doing something for him and trying to help instead of shunting him aside. It was a drastic change from what he was accustomed to, and he wasn't quite sure how to react.

He'd had enough of talking about his past and the war for the time being; doubtless he would have more questions later, but he'd reached his tolerance limit, and so he eyed Lupin instead. "What about you?" he asked, picking up his cup and sipping his tea at last. "You said you can't find a job, so I guess that's why you've got all this time to baby-sit me," he added with a little sneer. "Didn't you say you were married? How'd that happen? I always thought you were a shirt-lifter."

"If you mean you'd always thought I was gay, you are correct." Lupin poured himself another cup of tea as though unfazed by Severus' comment. "Yes, I was married. Yes, she knew I was gay, and no, it was not a problem."

Severus blinked and sat back, surprised anew to have his suspicions confirmed. "Why'd you do it?" he asked, finding himself curious despite himself. "Why'd she marry you if she knew you were gay? That doesn't make sense."

"The reasons for our marriage were our business, not yours." There was an edge to Lupin's voice, one so slight that only someone used to listening to Slytherins dissemble would have caught it. "After being outed, I haven't had had much luck in finding employment, so I did what odd jobs I could until Albus reformed the Order. Tonks, my wife, was an Auror, and since she died in the line of duty, I have a stipend from the Ministry, which is how I manage to keep the flat and put food on the table. I hope Kingsley will be able to repeal the anti-employment laws so I'll be able to find a steady job somewhere."

"So this is her flat, then," Severus said, glancing around disdainfully. "That explains the decor."

"She was young and full of life, and yes, that's why things are bright," Lupin said, stirring sugar into his tea with great concentration. Then he looked up at Severus, one eyebrow raised. "You haven't asked me about any of your own relationships. I find that interesting, especially since it's been widely reported in the news that you had a lifelong obsession with Lily. Harry is convinced you went to your grave sworn to love no woman but her."

Severus choked on a mouthful of tea and coughed for a minute or so before he could respond. "Who the fuck is Harry?" he demanded, momentarily forgetting the ban on profanity, "and where did he get such a bloody stupid idea like that?"

"From you, apparently," came Lupin's calm reply. "Harry is Lily and James' son, and he's been Voldemort's target for the past seven years, because it was prophesied that Harry would lead to Voldemort's destruction, which he did. You were both a Legilimens and an Occlumens, and apparently while you were dying, you gave many of your memories to Harry." Lupin tilted his head to one side. "You know, you might be able to get back some of your past that way. I can't say exactly how much you gave to Harry, but you were a strong Legilimens and an even stronger Occlumens. That's how you managed to hide your dual role from Voldemort for so long."

"I don't know how to do any of that." Severus shook his head and began picking at his eggs again. "I guess I needed to know how then, but I don't now, and I don't care about those memories. I'm not an old man anymore, and I was never a spy. All that never happened for me, and it never will." He breathed deeply and released it on a sigh. "I guess you were right. I'm starting over, so there's no point in digging up the past." He thinned his lips with annoyance. "For the record, I was never in love with Lily. She was my friend, and I... I guess I loved her in a way, but I wasn't _obsessed_ with her." He sneered and dismissed the notion with a wave of his hand. "Figures Potter's son would turn out to be as self-absorbed as his father and come up with something stupid like that!"

Lupin shrugged. "Considering how you felt about Harry, I can believe you deliberately gave him that impression just to annoy him," he said. "You protected Harry faithfully while he was at Hogwarts, probably because you felt guilty about what happened to Lily, but it was obvious you never liked Harry himself, no doubt because he is the spitting image of James, except for his eyes. He has Lily's eyes, and sometimes I think you hated him for that, too. But if it wasn't Lily, it must have been Regulus Black you were interested in. Which wouldn't be surprising, if you joined the Death Eaters to be with him."

"I didn't join to be with him!" Severus protested, even as he felt heat stinging his cheeks, and he threw down his fork, irritated that Lupin had managed to hit so close to home. "I wanted to join because he said Voldemort would appreciate my skills, and I'd finally get the recognition I deserved. He said I wouldn't be looked down on because of my interests, and no one would dare bully me anymore. _That's_ why I wanted to join the Death Eaters, not because of Regulus."

"Mmm-hmm." Lupin sipped at his tea again, and then he placed the cup in the saucer with careful, deliberate motions. "You didn't ask, but I'll tell you anyway: you didn't leave behind a wife and a string of children, or a partner and a houseful of cats. In fact, other than Harry's assertion about Lily, I never heard you were ever involved with anyone, male or female, in other than a professional capacity. I suppose you could have been remarkably discreet about hiding six wives in various parts of the country, but I rather doubt it. You were too much like me in that regard, I suspect. You probably considered it too dangerous to get involved with anyone."

"Probably." Severus sank lower in his chair and folded his arms across his chest defensively. It was clear Lupin didn't believe his protests about Regulus, and the last thing he wanted was for anyone to think he was foolish enough to follow Regulus anywhere no matter how much he liked him. "I did like Regulus," he admitted grudgingly, "but he wasn't why I wanted to join. I'm not that soppy," he added, shooting Lupin a defiant glare.

Lupin actually smiled at that. "You are... were... many things, Severus, but soppy isn't a term I would ever have applied to you, even in the privacy of my own mind," he said, and then he shook his head and chuckled quietly. "There's another thing you have to look forward to: you're young and good looking, and you'll have no problem finding your pick of partners. Once Kingsley succeeds in clearing your name, no doubt you'll have the news media all over you and people falling at your feet. If things don't work out, you have the option of being someone else entirely. A younger cousin to yourself, perhaps, heir to Severus Snape's legacy."

Severus peered at Lupin suspiciously through narrowed eyes; the idea of adopting a new identity was an interesting one, but his attention had been captured by something else Lupin had said. "Since when did you think I'm good looking? You and your friends are the ones responsible for everyone in the school calling me a greasy git and making fun of my hair and clothes for seven long years."

"Sirius, James, and Peter called you that, but I never did, and I never thought it, either." Lupin's tone was quiet but sincere, and he met Severus' eyes unflinchingly. "I've always thought you were good looking, whether you believe that or not. No, you aren't classically handsome like the Blacks or boyishly good looking like James, but you are attractive. Even more so because you were never aware of it, unlike Sirius and James. You look... like yourself, I suppose. Unique." Lupin suddenly looked away, a faint tinge of pink rising in his face. "You'll have no trouble finding partners, believe me. Not everyone in the world is as narrow-minded as the students at Hogwarts. You have the whole world in front of you now, so don't let the cruel words of a few immature children shake your confidence in yourself."

Severus fought the urge to squirm, torn between surprise and embarrassment, and he could feel his own blush deepening. He was _not_ flattered by Lupin's praise! It was stupid to let himself believe Lupin meant it, but then again, Lupin had no reason to lie, not now. Whether Lupin meant it or not, though, Severus wasn't about to let himself develop a crush on Lupin; that would be dangerous, and besides, he was probably reacting this way because he needed something stable and familiar after everything he'd been through, and Lupin was the closest thing he had.

"I guess," he said at last, lifting one shoulder in a careless shrug. "Can I get some of my stuff?" he asked, ready to change the subject. "I'm tired of wearing the same clothes."

"Of course. In fact, Minerva sent over a lot of your things earlier this morning," Lupin said, seeming just as relieved to change the subject as Severus was. He stood and gestured toward the lounge. "The boxes are shrunken, and on the sofa table, since I didn't want to wake you. Why don't you go ahead and deal with them, and I'll clean up breakfast. Minerva said she sent most of your books, as well, so that should give you something to keep you occupied for a while. I know there have been breakthroughs in potions in the last twenty years, and I suspect that will be great interest to you."

Severus practically knocked his chair over in his haste to escape, and he hurried gather up the boxes and retreat to his room and open them in private. His life had been turned upside-down, but if he wasn't careful, he might end up _liking_ Lupin, and that was one change he wasn't prepared to face.


	3. Chapter 3

The next couple of days passed in relative peace while Severus adjusted to his new life. He'd coped in his usual manner: immersing himself in books. He'd spent most of his time holed up in his room, reading the books and journals McGonagall had sent, and while he read, he began to process everything in the back of his mind, dealing with his losses and grief indirectly. He had learned not to reveal his pain, first from his exacting grandfather and then at Hogwarts, lest it be used against him, and so he hid it and worked through it in his own way and in his own time, refusing to show weakness in front of Lupin.

Then again, Lupin was becoming part of the problem. Part of the reason why Severus spent his time sequestered in his room was because Lupin was still being nice to him, even serving dishes that were Severus' favorites, although he wasn't sure how Lupin knew what they were. It was a familiar comfort nonetheless, and Severus found himself separating the Lupin he'd known from the older Lupin even more, his old anger and resentment fading. Not only was Lupin a source of information, but Severus also found himself _enjoying_ their mealtime conversations, which was strange and unreal, and Severus didn't know how to handle it at first.

By the third day, he was feeling more on an even keel, and he decided to emerge from his protective cocoon for a while; he took a shower and dressed in a pair of black trousers and a lightweight charcoal grey jumper that he'd Transfigured from one of the jackets worn by his older self. He'd taken one look at his old wardrobe and dismissed almost everything in it as something his grandfather would wear, and he'd spent half a day Transfiguring the fuddy-duddy clothes into something more acceptable.

When he walked into the lounge, however, he stopped dead in his tracks, startled to find Lupin had visitors: a woman who looked vaguely familiar and a baby. Lupin was, in fact, _cuddling_ the baby, and Severus felt his temper flaring swiftly. Lupin had obviously neglected to mention something, and Severus had had enough unpleasant surprises for the next decade or so.

"Sorry to interrupt," he said frostily. "I didn't know you had company. I'll go back to my room."

"You don't have to go," Lupin called out after him. "You're not interrupting anything at all."

Severus paused and turned back, one eyebrow raised. "Oh?"

"This is Andromeda Tonks," Lupin said, indicating the woman sitting on the sofa. "Andromeda Black Tonks. She's the mother of my wife. And this is Teddy." Lupin lifted Teddy's arm and pretended Teddy was waving to him. "I think he likes you."

Severus remembered that name; McGonagall had mentioned it that first day. He'd still been too shocked and angry to pay close attention to details, but he remembered one important thing: Teddy was Lupin's son. So Lupin was gay! So his marriage had supposedly been a sham! Somehow he'd managed to get his wife up the duff, gay or not, and now Severus wondered if that was even true or if Lupin had been lying so Severus would open up to him.

So much for trust!

"I'll be in my room!" he snapped, and without waiting for a response, he whirled and stormed back to his room, and he slammed the door behind himself hard enough to make it rattle on its hinges.

He heard Lupin call out after him, but then everything was quiet for a while. He didn't know how long it was before he heard footsteps coming down the hallway and a knock on his door, but it wasn't long enough for his anger to dissipate.

"Severus?" Lupin called to him, his voice sounding full of barely suppressed frustration. "Would you please open the door and explain to me what the bloody hell is wrong with you?"

Severus remained where he was on his bed, sitting cross-legged and leaning against the headboard. "You're a lying bastard, Lupin!" he shouted.

There was silence for a moment, and then he heard a sound that was suspiciously like that of a head being pounded against the door. "And how, pray tell, did you come to this stunningly erroneous conclusion?" Lupin asked, his tone now weary.

"You said you were gay!" Severus didn't bother hiding his incredulousness that Lupin could act as if he didn't know exactly what Severus was talking about.

The doorknob rattled, then turned, and Lupin stepped into the room, his eyebrows climbing to his hairline as he stared at Severus. "I _am_ gay! What in the world..." Lupin broke off, and then he groaned as some sort of realization hit him. "Teddy. You think he's mine, right?" He shook his head. "You've got it wrong, Severus. Again."

"Then why don't you explain it to me?" Severus was still shouting despite Lupin being in the room, and he curled in on himself, seething, although he refused to call jealousy the origin of his anger. "McGonagall seemed pretty sure he's yours, and if he wasn't, why would your mother-in-law bother bringing him to visit?"

"McGonagall thinks he's mine because she, and everyone else except Andromeda and I, are meant to think that." Lupin crossed his arms over his chest. "I shouldn't have to explain this to you, either, but I will in the interest of household harmony. Although this isn't the first time you've leaped to wrong conclusions about me, and it's becoming tiresome. You asked why Tonks married a gay man? It's because she was pregnant and needed to protect the identity of the _real_ father of her child, who is married. I gave her child my name, and in return, I gained a home and a family, something I haven't had since leaving Hogwarts. Andromeda knew the truth all along, and when she asked for custody of Teddy, I couldn't bring myself to refuse her because she lost her husband and her daughter, she is Teddy's blood relative while I am not, and she can afford to support Teddy properly while I cannot. There, are you satisfied now?"

Severus mulled over what Lupin said; it was the sort of noble thing he'd expect from a Gryffindor, but not entirely. Lupin was getting something out of it too, and Severus could hardly fault him for that. Severus had always been more rational than idealistic, and if he'd been the one living in poverty for years, he might have been tempted to agree to an arranged marriage, too. That he was relieved to know Lupin hadn't lied about being gay was something he decided not to dwell on.

"Yes," he said haughtily, lifting his nose in the air. "I am."

For a moment, Lupin looked as though he wanted to snap at Severus, but then he stopped and chuckled wearily, running his hand through his hair. "You're going to be the death of me, Severus Snape," he said. "Well, if that's settled, I'm going to start dinner. Andromeda is gone, so it's safe to come out. If you hadn't run off, I would have explained that she's Regulus' cousin. I didn't tell her who you were, of course, but if you have other questions about what happened to him, I could probably find out from her."

"No, he's dead. That's all I need to know," Severus replied matter-of-factly as he scooted to the edge of the bed and swung his legs over the side. He stood up and stretched, feeling better and more relaxed now, and he strolled over to Lupin. "I thought she looked familiar, though."

Lupin seemed rather taken aback by Severus' casual dismissal of Regulus' death, and he frowned as if in confused. "All right," he said slowly. For a moment, Lupin's eyes seemed to follow the lines of Severus' body as he approached, but then Lupin turned away and stepped toward the door. "Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes. I'll call you."

"I'll go with you and help," Severus replied, following him out the door, and he reached out to poke Lupin's shoulder blade as they walked to the kitchen. "I really wasn't in love with Regulus, you know. He was straight, so it would've been stupid of me to let myself fall for him. We were friends, and I miss him, but if you expect me to wail and tear my hair every time his name comes up, you're in for a disappointment."

Lupin stumbled slightly when Severus touched him, but he didn't stop and turn around until they were in the kitchen. "I wasn't expecting you to wail and tear your hair," Lupin said, crossing to the fridge and opening the door. He turned around, his expression somber. "I just wanted to make sure you get closure about what happened to him, if that's what you need. I know what it's like to feel a loss and not know exactly what happened. It can be frustrating, and I just... Well." He shrugged. "You can slice the bread, if you don't mind."

"Okay." Severus went to the counter and started on the task appointed to him, glancing sidelong at Lupin. "Closure, huh? You told me he died in the war, trying to undermine Voldemort. That's closure enough for me. If I want 'closure' about anything, it's about Mum. I still don't know what happened to her."

Lupin stooped to retrieve a cold roast from the fridge and carried it to the counter beside Severus. He drew a knife out of the butcher's block and started to slice the roast into generous portions. "I could ask Minerva, or I could go to the Ministry and see if I can find the records," he said. He gave Severus a somewhat pensive look. "I can't promise it's not... bad. I simply don't know. I know you're upset about it now, but if I find out something that might make it worse, do you still want to know?"

"Yeah, I do," Severus replied firmly, slicing the bread as deftly as he would have sliced a shrivelfig. "Closure, I guess. I'd rather know, even if it's bad, than wonder for the rest of my life. I can deal with whatever happened better than with wondering."

"All right." Lupin sounded relieved, and he gave Severus a lopsided smile. "Do you want cheese on your sandwich or just meat? I have some crisps, too. I thought perhaps if you'd like to take an evening off from reading, I could show you a film. I only have a few, but it's a safe bet that you haven't seen any of them. We could eat in front of the telly."

"Cheese and meat." Severus pushed four slices of bread over to him, pleased by the thought of doing something different; he wasn't in the mood to be alone, and he hadn't seen a film in a long time since going to the cinema was a luxury he couldn't often afford. "I'll watch something with you as long as it isn't soppy," he said, and he leaned over to shoulder Lupin playfully. "Or a musical."

Lupin laughed. "Right, nothing soppy, no musicals," he said, wrapping up the roast and carrying it back to the fridge. He returned with a block of cheese and set about slicing that. "Did you ever see _Star Wars_? It was released the summer before we left Hogwarts... er, _last_ summer for you, I suppose."

"I didn't get to see it," Severus replied, stacking the meat on two of the bread slices while Lupin sliced the cheese. "We never had a lot of extra money for things like that. I saw the adverts, though, and it looked interesting. I'd like to see it." He glanced at Lupin with a puzzled frown. "You can watch films at home now?"

"Yes, indeed you can," Lupin said, placing slices of cheese atop the meat, his arm brushing against Severus'. "They're recorded onto videocassettes and sold in shops now. Let me put this away, and we'll have a look, shall we?" Lupin smiled, the genuine pleasure on his face making him look younger. "I haven't watched a film myself in far too long, and _Star Wars_ is one of my favorites. It'll be nice to share it with someone who's seeing it for the first time."

Severus didn't quite smile back, but he brushed his arm against Lupin's in return, feeling lighter than he had since waking up in the hospital wing; for the first time, he didn't foresee a bleak future, even if his vision didn't extend beyond watching a sci fi film with Lupin. Tonight was going to be a good night, and for now, that was enough.


	4. Chapter 4

After reading about all the new potions and techniques developed over the past twenty years, Severus was eager to try his hand at some of them, and with limited space available for brewing in the flat, he had taken over the kitchen while Lupin was out and set up some of the equipment and ingredients McGonagall had sent when she packed up his older self's belongings from his quarters, office, and workroom at Hogwarts.

He didn't recognize any of it; the equipment and ingredients were all much higher quality than he was accustomed to having, and one of the paring knives appeared to have been a gift, judging by the engraved message on the handle that read 'Try to look on the bright side for once - MM'. The knife fit naturally in his hand, as did the rest of the equipment, and he sensed his connection with it somehow, as if years of use had imprinted his own essence on the polished metal. He didn't feel as if he was borrowing someone else's stuff; it all felt like _his_, and it was a comforting feeling.

He didn't know how long Lupin would be gone or what Lupin was doing, but he didn't much care; Lupin's business was his own, and Severus immersed himself in the contentment that came with brewing potions, knowing he was totally in control and everything would turn out as he wanted it to in the end.

It was some time later that Lupin came in, and when Severus glanced up, he could tell at once from Lupin's face that something was going on, something that definitely wasn't good. Lupin looked somber, and his expression held that peculiar gentleness Severus had seen when he'd told Severus about the fates of his friends. Then Lupin smiled, a lift of his lips that was probably meant to be reassuring yet wasn't.

"I hope you've had a good day," Lupin said, leaning back against the counter with a tired sigh. "Sorry I was gone so long. I meant to be back earlier, but... well. Looks like you've been productive, at least."

"Yeah, I tried some new stuff," Severus replied, and he turned down the heat beneath his cauldron and faced Lupin, peering at him with growing curiosity. "Who stole your favorite chew toy today?"

For a moment, Lupin looked startled, as though he was surprised Severus had made a joke, but then he chuckled and shook his head. "No, no, nothing like that," he replied, and then his smiled faded. "Actually, though, I have some news for you. When you're finished, I'll help you clean up. Then we can make some tea and have a talk, all right?"

Severus drew back and gave him a dubious look. When adults said "we need to talk", it was never good, and somehow, he doubted this time was going to be an exception.

"I'm finished," he said. "This stuff needs to simmer overnight anyway." He'd wanted to try a couple of other new potions, but there was plenty of time for that, and he would rather find out what Lupin wanted to talk about and get it over with if it was bad news.

"Okay, then," Lupin said quietly as he went to the cabinet where the tea was kept and assembled the necessities with brisk efficiency. He didn't boil water in the kettle for once, instead heating the pot with a tap of his wand before placing the strainer inside. "Let's go to the lounge. It's more comfortable in there."

"Okay." Severus followed him into the lounge, his trepidation growing with every step. If Lupin was making tea, whatever-it-was _had_ to be serious. What if Lupin found out the Ministry was after him? What if he was going to Azkaban? By the time he sat down on the sofa, he was rigid with tension, a frown marring his features. "What is it?" he demanded tersely.

Lupin placed the tray on the table, and when he looked up, it was obvious that he noticed Severus' tension. "It's not anything you hadn't already heard," he said quickly as he sat down beside Severus. He reached out to touch Severus' hand, a brief, reassuring pressure. "I spoke with Minerva, and I found out what you wanted to know. About your mother."

"Oh." Severus released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, relieved nothing new was going to be sprung on him, yet still apprehensive. Lupin was obviously not best pleased by whatever he had to say, which meant Severus probably wasn't going to like it either. "Spit it out, then," he said with an imperious tilt of his chin. "Whatever it is, just tell me."

Lupin hesitated, but then he inclined his head in acquiescence. "Your mother died two years ago. It was a heart attack, and it happened while she was out with some friends. Apparently she didn't suffer at all; it was very sudden and unexpected." His expression grew pensive. "You weren't there, unfortunately. Voldemort had summoned you that night, and your mother's friends couldn't reach you at Hogwarts to let you know. They did manage to contact Minerva, and she was the one who had to tell you the next day when Voldemort finally let you return." Lupin paused, his expression full of sympathy. "I'm sorry, Severus. I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you."

Severus slumped against the back of the sofa and scrubbed his face with one hand, his insides twisting painfully. While he still had so little information, it had been easy to pretend it had been a mistake, and she was just on holiday. Soon she'd come back and berate him for changing the decor without asking despite his protests that _he_ hadn't done it and marvel over the change in her son. She would comfort him and help him adjust, and everything would be a little bit more normal.

But now he knew when and how, and she was really dead. And he hadn't been there.

His breath hitched, and he rubbed his chest absently, as if trying to soothe the ache of grief and loss. "I would've been there," he said, his voice sounding ragged even to his own ears. "I _would_ have. It was _his_ fault I wasn't, not mine!" Knowing he had no choice about it didn't make him feel better, but it helped him feel less guilty for failing her.

"I know you would have," Lupin said softly. He seemed to hesitate, but then he reached out and rested his hand on Severus' shoulder. "It's obvious you loved her very much, and you would have been there if you could. Voldemort is the one who kept you away. If you'd been anywhere else, Minerva would have done everything possible to find you and tell you, but it would have risked your life if she had. But your mum didn't suffer, at least. It was quick, and even if you had been standing next to her, you couldn't have done anything."

"I might have," Severus insisted. Pride demanded that he shrug off Lupin's hand, but he didn't want to; this wasn't the Lupin he'd known, and he was quickly forgetting that other Lupin in favor of this one, the one he liked better. Besides, Lupin was all he had now, and he didn't want to be alone, especially not now. "I could have done _something_ A charm or a potion. Or I could've got her to St. Mungo's quicker!"

Lupin rubbed his shoulder in slow, gentle circles. "She was with a group of witches, and she was taken to the Healers as quickly as possible. According to Minerva, her friends and the Healers did everything they could for her. Even according to you, apparently. Minerva said you demanded to know every detail. In the end, you concluded there really wasn't anything you could have done that would have saved her. If there had been... well, I suspect you would have gone after Voldemort yourself then and there."

That was somewhat reassuring, although Severus wished he remembered, rather than having to hear about it second-hand. He wished he _had_ been there somehow. He wished he had never joined Voldemort in the first place, since that one bad decision seemed to have been the catalyst for so many awful events - including his own almost-death and subsequent age regression. He wished his mother was still alive so she could hold him. That was what he missed most: having no safe refuge, no one he knew he could trust, no one who really cared about him. He didn't have his mother any longer, but he did have Lupin, and for now, he supposed that would have to do.

With a weary sigh, he leaned over, rested his head on Lupin's shoulder, and closed his eyes, wanting to shut out the rest of the world for a while.

Lupin went still for a moment, and Severus thought he heard Lupin draw in a startled breath. But then he felt Lupin wrap both arms around him, holding him close, and Lupin stroked his back gently. He felt Lupin's cheek come to rest against his hair, but Lupin didn't speak, offering silent comfort and sympathy.

It felt good, not quite the same as when his mum held him, mainly because there was no mistaking Lupin's masculinity; Lupin smelled different, too. Like warm spices with a hint of wildness beneath. His mother had smelled of lemon verbena, which was pleasant, but Severus thought he liked Lupin's scent a little better.

He felt himself beginning to relax beneath Lupin's stroking hands, his defenses slowly crumbling until he released a shuddery sigh and burrowed closer. He'd tried to be strong and independent, but too much had happened in too short a time, and even he needed a respite sometimes. No doubt his older self wouldn't have gone wilty all over Lupin, but Severus wasn't older now, and he felt young for once, not older than his years as Mum had always said he was.

"She was all I had," he murmured. "My dad died when I was six." The men who came to tell him and Mum had called it an 'industrial accident', which had been a polite euphemism for something that had mangled his dad's body so badly that they refused to let Mum see him for fear it would traumatize her too much. "He was a good man, but we never had much money. After he died, Mum tried to manage on her own for a while, but we had to move in with Grandfather Prince." Severus could feel his body growing tense at the mere memory. "He hated her because she married a Muggle, and he hated me because I'm a half-blood. That wasn't good enough for him."

"Did he hurt you?" Lupin asked softly, and Severus felt him move his hand up to begin stroking Severus' hair in a steady, soothing rhythm.

Severus went quiet and still; he'd never spoken of this to anyone but Lily. She had known what his home life was like, but he'd never told anyone else out of shame. "Yes," he said, his voice sounding small even to his own ears. "He did."

"Oh, Severus." Lupin's voice was as quiet and gentle as his hands, but Severus didn't hear any trace of pity in it. "I'm sorry you had to endure that. No wonder you carried around so much anger."

"Mum tried to help, but I didn't want her to because then he'd turn on her." Severus hunched his shoulders and squeezed his eyes shut tight at the memories that came flooding back. "We looked after each other. I wanted to be there for her. I hate that I wasn't there when..." He trailed off, his voice ragged, and he clenched his fists in his lap, anger and despair at war within him.

Lupin began to stroke his hair soothingly. "I'm sure she knew you loved her and you would have been there if you could have," he murmured. "It's all right to grieve, Severus. You've lost something precious to you, and it hurts. I know exactly how much it must hurt."

His throat felt too tight for words to pass through, so Severus nodded instead, and he tucked himself beneath Lupin's arm, drawing comfort from the contact. He squeezed his eyes shut, but a couple of tears escaped anyway, and he dashed them away with his fist, knuckling his eyes like a child. Lupin silently offered a large white handkerchief. Severus took it and swiped at his eyes, and he blew his nose; he didn't offer the handkerchief back, stuffing it into his pocket so he could clean it and give it back later. Heaving another sigh, he sagged against Lupin's side, utterly drained; he wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep until he didn't hurt so much, but that would require moving, and he was too exhausted to make the effort at the moment. Lupin began to rock back and forth slowly, comforting him as he might a child, and he cuddled Severus close and began to rub his back again.

"Take as long as you need," Lupin murmured. "I'm not going anywhere."

That, it seemed, was exactly what Severus needed to hear, even if he hadn't been aware of it, and he lowered his guard in ways he hadn't around anyone but his mother since he was boy. Settling in, he relaxed into the gentle rocking, letting it soothe him, and it wasn't long until he drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

When Severus awoke, pale morning sunlight was streaming through the window, and he cracked his eyes open and peered around only to find himself tucked into his own bed. He was still wearing his clothes from the day before, although his shoes were placed neatly beside his bed, and he supposed the signs pointed to Lupin... Remus having put him to bed after his meltdown. At first, he wasn't sure whether he ought to be embarrassed or not, and he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling as he tried to decide. In the end, he decided against it. Remus had been comforting and sympathetic, and if he was going to mock Severus, he would've done it when Severus was at his lowest the day before. Instead, he'd proved himself trustworthy, and Severus didn't feel like he had any reason to worry Remus would throw his vulnerability back in his face.

Flinging back the covers, he rolled out of bed and grabbed some clean clothes off the floor. After a quick shower, he felt better, and he went in search of Remus, deciding to look in the kitchen first since he needed to check the potion he'd left simmering the night before anyway.

As soon as Severus entered the kitchen, Remus turned away from the stove with a smile, although he searched Severus' face with a piercing gaze. Apparently satisfied with what he saw, Remus gestured to the table, which was already set for breakfast with a platter of sausages next to a bowl of beans and a veritable mountain of toast.

"Good morning, Severus. I heard you in the shower, so I got breakfast together. I thought you might be hungry since you didn't eat dinner last night." He gestured at the pot Severus had left simmering. "Your potion didn't seem to be in imminent danger of explosion, so I left it alone."

Severus grabbed an oven mitt and lifted the lid of the cauldron, and he peered inside, studying the brew with a critical eye. The potion had turned pale green, just as it was meant to, and he turned off the heat, nodding with satisfaction. "It's fine," he said, snagging a ladle and stirring the brew a couple of times. "It just needs to cool off, and I can bottle it." He lifted his chin, proud of his accomplishment. "It's an extra-strength pain potion. I thought..." He glanced away and resisted the urge to scuff his toe on the floor. "I thought you could use it. You know. After."

Lupin turned to him and smiled, a slow, wide smile that held both gratitude and something Severus thought looked oddly like affection. "Thank you, Severus. I appreciate that. It was very thoughtful of you. The Wolfsbane Potion allows me to keep my rational mind, but it doesn't do a blasted thing for the pain. It makes things worse in some ways, because I remember the pain vividly afterward." He gave a rueful chuckle. "Believe me, I'm grateful for anything that makes the ordeal a little easier."

"Yeah, I read about that Wolfsbane Potion," Severus said, latching onto a new topic eagerly to hide his embarrassment over Remus' thanks, and he turned away to wash off the ladle at the sink. "It's pretty difficult. I don't think I've ever tried anything that advanced before, but I'll get there," he said confidently. "Who makes it for you now?"

"You made it for me before, so I have no doubt you'll be able to do it again," Remus replied, finishing the eggs he'd been frying. "Right now I get it from Horace Slughorn; he returned to teach Potions at Hogwarts when Albus switched you to Defense two years ago." Remus raised a brow then. "Did you know you were headmaster, too? All last year, as a matter of fact."

"I was headmaster of Hogwarts?" Severus gaped at Remus, his jaw dropping. "Fuck me, how the hell did _that_ happen?"

Remus burst out laughing. "I'm sorry, Severus. I'm not laughing at you, I promise, but oh, Merlin, the look on your face!" He drew in a deep breath, his amusement subsiding to chuckles. "Yes, you were the headmaster. The Ministry put you there, but..." Remus' amusement faded away. "It wasn't for a good reason, since the Death Eaters controlled everything by that point. But you managed to protect all the students in your care, which was no small feat given there were _real_ Death Eaters appointed to the staff, which wasn't your doing. You did a phenomenal job under difficult circumstances."

"Huh." Severus shook his head incredulously as he tried to wrap his mind around the idea that he'd been the headmaster, even if only for a short time. It seemed his life had been bound inextricably to that place, whether he liked it or not, and he wondered if his older self had chafed at being tied to Hogwarts as much as he thought he would himself. "I'm surprised ol' Sluggy is still around," he said as he dropped heavily into his chair and speared a sausage with his fork. "He's crap at potions. Totally by the book," he added with a disdainful sneer. "He's got no real talent for it, and he never recognized those who did."

"Well it didn't take much to see _I_ didn't have any talent," Remus replied as he took his seat, and he held out the plate of eggs toward Severus. "Of course, being allergic to a lot of the ingredients didn't help. But you were obviously the best student. I imagine the fact that you didn't pander to his ego and that you _do_ have more innate talent than he does intimidated him. It's not always easy for adults to admit when they're outclassed by a teenager."

Severus served himself a couple of eggs and grabbed a piece of toast and slathered beans all over it, his appetite returning in full force; the scent of the food made his stomach growl, reminding him that he'd missed dinner, and he was ready to make up for the lack of food the night before.

"I guess," he said, lifting one shoulder in a negligent shrug. "Anyway, as soon as I can make it, you won't have to rely on Sluggy anymore." He wrinkled his nose disdainfully. "I'm surprised his even works."

"Fortunately it does, or I'd have found the last several months very difficult," Remus replied, dishing up smaller portions of beans and sausages for himself. He looked at Severus, tilting his head to one side. "The full moon is just over a week away, as a matter of fact. I'll make arrangements with Minerva to stay in the Shrieking Shack overnight so you won't have to worry about being cooped up with a transformed werewolf."

Severus stopped ploughing through his food long enough to glance up at Remus quizzically. "You're going to take the potion, right?"

"Yes, of course," Remus said, buttering a slice of toast. "But it's still not a quiet or particularly pleasant experience. Given the last time you saw me in my wolf form, I assumed you wouldn't be anxious to repeat the experience. It's not a problem; Minerva let me stay there last month, in fact. Things were... difficult."

"Why? What happened?" Severus asked, turning his attention back to his sausage, although he darted questioning looks at Remus to show he wasn't asking idle questions to make conversation.

Remus put down his toast and shook his head. "It was just after the end of the war. Tonks had died, and I had been badly injured. In fact, everyone had thought I _was_ dead, but the curse that creates werewolves has one benefit in that it also makes them difficult to kill. I didn't want to be here in this flat, but I didn't have anywhere else to go."

"You don't have to go anywhere," Severus said, a hint of defiance in his voice. The thought of seeing Remus as a wolf again did scare him a little, but he refused to let fear control him; he was too proud for that. Besides, it would be different this time, and maybe he could study Remus and indulge his curiosity about transformed werewolves in a safe environment. "I'm not scared of you."

"I'm sure you aren't," Remus replied, giving Severus another smile. "I appreciate you being understanding, Severus, but there's no need for me to inflict myself on you. I'm not at my best either before or after."

"So?" Severus scowled, his pride urging him to be stubborn about the issue. "I wasn't at my best last night, but you didn't seem to care."

"I didn't mind, no. You needed that, obviously." Remus held up both hands as if in surrender. "All right, then, I'll stay, if you really don't mind. I thought perhaps you've been through enough lately without having a middle-aged werewolf on your hands as well."

_I don't mind having a middle-aged werewolf on my hands_, Severus thought, although he stopped short of saying the words aloud. It surprised him to realize how much he liked Remus and that he was starting to find Remus... attractive. He felt safe with Remus, and he thought he'd found something here, in this gaudily decorated flat, that he hadn't found anywhere else, no matter how hard he looked.

"It's no worse than you having an eighteen-year-old on your hands," he said at last, focusing on his beans and toast in hopes that Remus wouldn't notice the blush he could feel rising in his cheeks.

"Touché," Remus replied, and then he picked up his fork again. "What are your plans for today, then? More brewing?"

"Well..." Severus said slowly, poking at his eggs and sneaking sidelong glances at Remus. "I was hoping maybe you'd show me around. I've still got a lot of stuff to catch up on in both worlds, and I might as well get started."

"Yes, yes, of course." Once again, Remus appeared a bit startled by his words, but when he smiled, it was obvious he was pleased by the idea of being Severus' personal tour guide. "I'd be happy to show you around. There's definitely a lot for you to catch up on. Although if you want to go to Hogsmeade, or Diagon Alley, we should probably either disguise you or come up with some plausible story about you being a cousin or a nephew. Just for your own protection."

"We don't have to go there yet," Severus replied, eating with a renewed appetite; he was more pleased by the thought of spending the day doing something with Remus than he cared to think about, and he preferred to believe it was merely due to his interest in how things had changed over the last twenty years. "You said not much had changed in the wizarding world, so I'd rather see what's new in the Muggle world."

"Certainly." There was enthusiasm in Remus' voice, and his hazel eyes sparkled with interest. "So much has changed. You'll be amazed, I promise. There are space shuttles and all kinds of amazing scientific and medical breakthroughs. A wealth of new information, new books, films, and music. They're building a dome in London for the turn of the millennium and a huge ferris wheel over the Thames."

"Sounds like we've got a lot to see, then." Severus pushed aside his now-empty plate and leaned back in his chair, watching Remus with a little smirk curving his lips. "If you'll hurry up and finish breakfast, old man, we can get started."

"Old man?" Remus gasped in mock outrage. "Fine! For that, _young man_, you can do the dishes while I haul myself off to find my reading glasses and my cardigan. Although I draw the line at smoking a pipe. A man has to have _some_ standards." Remus stood and strolled toward the door. "Five minutes. Surely you can manage to clean up in that generous amount of time?"

Something about being called 'young man' in Remus' husky voice made Severus' toes curl and made him feel a strange urge to misbehave just to see if he could earn a spanking, but instead, he scooted back his chair and stood up. "I can have the whole kitchen clean before you come doddering back," he said as he picked up their plates, shooting Remus a challenging look.

"If you can do it, I'll buy you lunch wherever you like," Remus replied. "And for the record, I don't dodder. Wolves prowl. It's how we're built." With that, he left the kitchen, the door swinging shut behind him.

Severus stood with the plates in hand and watched him go, scarcely caring if he got caught staring. He was looking forward to their outing even more now, not for what he would learn about the world but for what he would learn about Remus. What that meant for himself and for whatever relationship he had with Remus, he didn't care to think about too deeply.


	6. Chapter 6

_This is possibly the most stupid thing I've ever done,_ Severus thought as he stared at himself in the mirror over the sink. He'd towel-dried his hair after his shower, leaving it damp and clinging to his neck, and he was wearing only a thick towel secured around his waist - and he was giving serious thought to parading around in front of Remus like this.

He thought he'd caught flashes of awareness, maybe even interest, in Remus' eyes while they explored Muggle London the day before. Remus had seemed to enjoy playing tour guide as much as Severus had enjoyed learning about all the new advancements made in the last twenty years. He was still amazed by mobile phones, computers, and compact discs, and he thought the Muggle world had created its own kind of magic with the new devices. In comparison, he could see the Wizarding world really hadn't changed all that much, and he wondered if their social isolation from Muggles contributed to their stagnation.

Remus bought some Chinese take-away for dinner, and they had eaten in front of the telly again, watching another film on videocassette that Severus hadn't seen, an adventure film about an archaeologist who wore a fedora and carried a whip, which Severus had quite enjoyed. He'd enjoyed the whole day, really. He couldn't remember a time when he'd been able to relax and not worry about someone trying to hex him or play a prank on him or shout at him. Things had been peaceful at home after his grandfather died, but for him, that had only been about a year, and while he was at school, he hadn't been able to lower his guard for one reason or another.

But with Remus, he didn't need to wear armor, and he liked that. He liked Remus, and he liked being with Remus. He fancied Remus, if he was honest with himself, and he didn't want to move out once his identity was sorted out. He wanted to stay with Remus, but he didn't know if Remus wanted that too. It went against his nature to come right out and ask, and besides, he didn't want to give Remus the impression all he wanted was to be Remus' roommate. He wasn't so soppy and stupid that he'd fallen in love with Remus, but he was definitely interested in shagging, and so he'd devised a plan that involved walking around half naked and seeing how Remus reacted.

His plan had seemed like a good idea the night before when he was tipsy from the beer they'd bought to go with the Chinese take-away, but it seemed more foolish than feasible in the light of day. Nonetheless, he opened the door and stepped out of the loo despite how self-conscious he felt; Remus had said he was good-looking, but he'd always been told he was too skinny, his nose was too big, and his hair was too greasy, and he'd _never_ done anything this brazen before. He fought the urge to cover up by folding his arms across his chest and feigned a confidence he didn't feel instead, holding his head high as he ambled into the lounge in search of Remus.

He didn't have to look far; Remus was standing on a chair, running a duster over the top of a bookshelf. Although Remus hadn't whinged about it, Severus had gleaned from things Remus had let slip over the last several days that the lack of employment opportunities chafed him. It made sense to Severus; Remus was an idiot sometimes, but he wasn't stupid, and his school days were long behind him. Most men his age were well established in a career by now, but Remus' opportunities had been severely limited because of his lycanthropy. He had been reduced to playing housekeeper, which he did with diligence but not much enthusiasm, and Severus couldn't really blame him.

Watching Remus dust wasn't necessarily a bad thing, however. From where Severus stood, Remus' arse was at eye level, his jeans clinging with the faded familiarity that spoke of years of wear. Remus hadn't let himself go to flab, although Severus wasn't certain how much of that was by choice and how much of it was because Remus was used to tightening his belt literally as well as figuratively.

Once he finished dusting the bookcase, Remus turned on the chair and caught sight of Severus; his eyes flew wide, and his jaw dropped. Unfortunately, his surprise also caused him to lose his balance, and the chair wobbled before tipping over and sending Remus tumbling to the floor, right on the arse Severus had just been admiring.

"Severus! You startled me," Remus said breathlessly, a flush creeping up his neck as he looked up at Severus. "Was there something you needed?"

"Careful, old man. You'll break a hip." Not bothering to hide his smirk, Severus sauntered into the room and extended his hand to help Remus to his feet. "I just wanted to know if we're going out or staying in this afternoon before I get dressed so I know what to wear."

"Oh." Remus seemed nonplussed at that, but then he shook himself and drew in a deep breath. For a moment, Severus thought he might refuse the offer of help, but then, reluctantly, Remus took his hand and rose to his feet. He released Severus' hand immediately, and he gazed studiously at a point over Severus' left shoulder, the flush still evident on his cheeks.

"We could go for Italian food, if you'd like. Why don't you go and get dressed?" he suggested.

"Sure." But Severus didn't move right away; instead, he studied Remus for a moment, taking in the blush and the way Remus was avoiding eye contact. Severus didn't have much experience with anyone showing signs of interest in him, but he figured Remus was trying to avoid looking at him for one of two reasons: Remus was turned off by the sight of him half-naked, or Remus was turned on by the sight of him half-naked. At the moment, Severus was going to be optimistic and assume turned on. "Muggle clothes?" he asked, shifting his stance and letting the towel slip lower on his hips as if by accident.

Remus seemed to catch the motion, for his eyes flickered downward, and it was obvious that Remus' breath caught as he gave a soft exhalation. Then he turned abruptly and pretended interest in some random object on the table as the color in his cheeks deepened. "Yes, of course." His voice was husky, and he seemed to have trouble breathing. "Go on, then. I'll wait."

"Okay," Severus replied, trying to sound more insouciant than he felt. "I'll be right back."

With that, he turned and sauntered away, adjusting the towel and letting it slip to reveal the pale curve of his arse to Remus' view. There was a strangled sound from behind him, followed by a sound that might have been Remus slapping his palm against his forehead. Severus didn't pause in his retreat, pretending not to have heard, but he smirked. He had his answer now: turned on. Definitely turned on. It gave Severus a sense of power that he'd never felt before, knowing someone he desired felt the same way about him, but for once, he didn't want to use his power to give himself leverage over anyone, especially not Remus. This wasn't the kind of petty power game that was played day in and day out by the residents of Slytherin House; this was real, and if he was right about Remus being attracted to him, there would be no winner or loser, only mutual benefits.

He behaved himself while they were out; he wasn't sure how things had changed over the past twenty years, but flaunting homosexuality hadn't been a good idea back in 1978, and he didn't want to cause trouble for either one of them. Besides, he didn't want to push Remus too far and tip his hand; he wanted to proceed cautiously.

Over the next couple of days, he approached Remus in indirect ways, encroaching on Remus' personal space and wandering around in jeans but no shirt or stripping down to his boxers and finding reasons to roam around the flat, in search of this thing or that. Sometimes, he thought he caught Remus watching, and sometimes he thought he felt the weight of Remus' gaze on him as he strolled through the room or found reasons to bend over and put his arse on display. He was even starting to carry himself differently, his self-confidence boosted by the knowledge that Remus wanted him; he'd never felt attractive, much less sexy before, and he liked the feeling being desired gave him.

By the end of the second day, he was ready to move forward a bit, and he showed up for their nightly film screening wearing nothing but flannel pajama bottoms and a dressing gown that he left untied. He flopped down on the sofa and stretched out his legs, settling in while Remus fiddled with the equipment.

"What are we watching tonight?" he asked.

Remus pulled a videocassette from its case and inserted it in the player. "A campy martial arts comedy called _Big Trouble in Little China_," he said, and then he rose and turned toward the sofa. He caught sight of Severus' attire and provocative posture, and Severus could practically feel Remus' gaze traveling up the entire length of his legs. There was no mistaking the flicker of desire in Remus' eyes, but then Remus drew himself up straight. "Aren't you cold?" he asked, his voice toneless, as though he were trying to mask his feelings.

"Nope." Severus met his gaze evenly, trying to appear nonchalant. "I'm comfortable."

For a moment, Remus simply looked at him, and then he glanced away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Look, Severus, I appreciate that you've begun to feel comfortable here, and I know that by your reckoning, you've been living in the dorms for the last seven years, but it isn't appropriate for you to be quite so.... casually dressed around me."

"Why not?" Severus widened his eyes in an attempt to look guileless. "We're both men."

"Er... yes." Remus appeared to be struggling with his words. "It's just that you're a young man. A very young man. And I'm much older than you, old enough to be your father, in fact. I'm not one of your classmates any longer, and you wouldn't have paraded around like this in front of Slughorn or Flitwick, would you?"

"Ugh! No way!" Severus screwed up his face in disgust at the mere thought. "But you're not like them." He gazed up at Remus, shifting on the sofa cushion so his dressing gown fell open wider. "Does it bother you seeing me like this?" he asked, delighting in the opportunity to tease. "Should I be worried I'm living with a dirty old man who pervs over teenagers?"

"Severus!" There was no amusement in Remus' voice or in his eyes, and Severus thought he caught a glimpse of something heated and feral in the clear hazel depths. "I'm not a dirty old man! It simply isn't appropriate, so why don't you go and put on more clothes?"

"_Why_ is inappropriate?" Severus insisted, poking Remus' leg with his bare foot. "If you aren't a dirty old man, then why does it matter what I wear?"

With a growl of frustration, Remus stepped back out of reach. "I don't have to explain it to you, Severus. You're not an idiot. I know you don't mean to tease, but if you want to stay here, we need to set a few ground rules. I probably should have thought of this before, but I never imagined you would become this relaxed in my presence. It's just a bit _too_ relaxed for my comfort."

"What's wrong?" Severus rose fluidly to his feet and shrugged out of his dressing gown, letting it puddle on the floor at his feet. "You don't like being relaxed? Or am I _bothering_ you? Is that it? You like 'em young?"

Remus stared at him incredulously, but then disbelief was quickly replaced by something dark and hungry and _wild_. Severus had seen Remus annoyed, frustrated, and even angry, but none of those emotions could possibly match this in intensity, and he had the fleeting thought that rather than seeing a new mask, he was seeing what hid beneath all the masks for the very first time. Remus looked dangerous, and Severus suddenly realized how dangerous when he found himself grabbed and backed against the nearest wall before he was even aware Remus had moved.

Hazel eyes blazed with a feral light that wasn't fleeting this time. It _burned_, and for the first time, Remus looked every inch the beast that so many people claimed he was by virtue of being a werewolf. He sounded like it, too, as a growl rose in his chest; Severus could feel it vibrating from Remus' body to his as Remus pressed him against the wall.

"Yes, you bother me, damn it," Remus ground out, the heat of his body seeming to blaze through his clothing. "Is that what you want, Severus? To bother me? To make me go wild and do this?"

With that, Remus captured Severus' mouth in a fierce, demanding kiss, hungry and desperate and unlike anything Severus could have imagined. It was everything he could have dreamed of, however, and he parted his lips and yielded willingly; winding his arms around Remus' shoulders, he returned the kiss with equal hunger, if less skill. He'd been kissed only once before this, and it hadn't been anywhere near as good.

As Remus sensed his cooperation, the nature of the kiss change, becoming more beguiling, if no less demanding. The growl lessened, but then Remus suddenly pulled his head back, his eyes boring into Severus' as he tightened his fingers on Severus' arms hard enough to leave bruises.

"What do you think you're doing?" he demanded, his eyes narrowing. "Is this a game to you? An attempt to manipulate me for some reason?"

"I'm not playing any game," Severus said huskily, clutching Remus' shoulders. "I'm not making fun of you or trying to manipulate you. I swear it."

"Then what do you want, Severus?" The wolf was evident in Remus' voice and eyes, and Severus belatedly remembered it was only a few days before the full moon; it seemed he had inadvertently poked the beast, but he didn't mind dealing with the consequences. Not at all. "Why are you doing this? I'm far too old for you."

"Says who?" Severus demanded hotly, lifting his chin with defiance flashing in his eyes. "It's only twenty years difference, and wizards don't age like normal people."

He could feel the growl again, as though the wolf inside of Remus was reacting to the tone of his voice. "Says me," Remus retorted. "The difference in our age aside, you hated me only a couple of weeks ago! Why this? Why now? Why not go out and find someone your own age to shag, instead of doing everything in your power to drive me wild?"

"A lot can change in two weeks." Severus stared into Remus' eyes, searching for the wolf in hopes of drawing it out further; Remus' wildness and the sound of that deep growl had thrilled Severus down to his toes, and he wanted more. "I'm not interested in someone my own age. I want someone older, wiser..." He lowered his gaze, growing a bit bashful at last as he voiced his desires without any dissembling. "More experienced."

In response, Remus shook him until his teeth rattled. "Is that what this is about?" Remus snapped, breathing hard as though he were having to hold himself in check lest he give in to a far more violent reaction. "You just want to see what sex is like with an older man? Curiosity? I'm not one of your experiments, Severus! I've done everything I can for you, but I'm not a toy. If you're just looking for an older man to fuck you, you can find your way to Soho. I'm sure someone will oblige you." His features hardened into implacability. "I'm not the teenager who was desperate to be liked any longer. I'm not going to fuck you just to win your approval."

Severus felt his face go up in flames as anger and embarrassment warred for supremacy, and he balled up his fists and smacked Remus' chest, glaring fiercely at him. "You're so fucking _stupid_!" he shouted. "I don't want just any older man. I want you! You're not a toy or an experiment; you're just a blind, oblivious, idiotic _Gryffindor_ who has to turn everything into an opportunity to be noble!"

Remus' eyes flashed again. "I don't feel noble at the moment," he said as he shoved Severus even harder against the wall and kissed him again, stealing Severus' breath and seeming desperate to drive him completely out of his mind in return.

Moaning, Severus fisted his hands in Remus' jumper and parted his lips, willing to let Remus leave him gasping for air. He didn't want Remus to be noble; he wanted Remus to want him, and he wanted to ignore what was right or proper, because as far as he was concerned, _this_ was right.

It seemed that proper didn't interest Remus, either, for he released Severus' arms and slid his hands downward, letting them come to rest on Severus' hips. Remus shifted his own hips as well, bringing their bodies into alignment and letting Severus feel the hard jut of his cock as it strained against the confines of his trousers. Then he lifted his head and stared at Severus with a gaze that was no longer fully human. "Tell me what you want," he growled, thrusting his hips forward insistently until Severus' knees threatened to turn to water. "Tell me how much you want it."

Severus caught his breath he stared into Remus' eyes, captivated by the wolf. "I want you to fuck me," he whispered, digging his fingers into Remus' shoulders as he braced himself against the risk he was taking; he wasn't accustomed to being so blunt, but he couldn't _not_ obey Remus' command. "I want it more than anything."

Remus continued to stare at him, and in his eyes, Severus thought he saw feral satisfaction. Then Remus stepped back, but only so he could take Severus' hand and haul him down the corridor to Remus' bedroom. Once inside, he kicked the door shut, stripped off his jumper, and pulled Severus into his arms again, and Severus could feel Remus' skin was hot and damp with desire. Remus licked his lips and buried one hand in Severus' hair; he tilted Severus' head back, but instead of kissing him, Remus ran his nose along the column of Severus' throat, inhaling deeply as though immersing himself in Severus' scent.

Then Remus bared his teeth and bit down on Severus' throat in a silent demand for submission, and he growled in a way that Severus recognized as pure possessiveness. A shudder wracked Severus' entire body, and he clutched Remus' back to keep himself upright, feeling like he wanted to roll over, bare his throat, and offer the wolf whatever it wanted. He'd never guessed being bitten would be such a turn on, but he loved it, and he let his moans express exactly how much.

His surrender seemed to be exactly what the wolf did want. Remus drew back, laving the bite mark with his tongue to soothe it before placing a series of nipping kisses along Severus' jaw to his lips and claiming them again in a kiss that was more seduction than possession. Severus felt himself being herded backward, and the edge of the mattress hit the backs of his legs as Remus plundered his mouth with a thoroughness that left Severus unable to do anything but moan his pleasure.

These kisses were even better than the hungry, possessive kisses; they felt deeper and richer, and Severus found himself feeling more too, as if each kiss was tearing down a piece of his armor, leaving him utterly bare. It was terrifying and exhilarating, and he had no intention of stopping, no matter what.

Tightening his arms around Remus, he let himself fall backward and tumbled onto the bed, pulling Remus down on top of him; he wasted no time in wrapping his legs around Remus' hips and arching against him, wanting more kisses, more of Remus' body pressing against him, more of everything.

Remus gave a low chuckle of satisfaction, and he pulled back to stare down at Severus, a smug smile curving his lips. He rocked his hips against Severus', offering friction that was far more teasing than fulfilling.

"Eager, are we?" he asked huskily. Sliding his hands along Severus' body, Remus began to stroke Severus' chest, exploring each bump of rib and the flat planes of Severus' stomach. Then he moved higher, his gaze focused intently on Severus' face as he caressed his thumbs over Severus' nipples. "Do you like that?"

"Yeah..." Severus gazed up at him with half-lidded eyes and arched languidly against Remus' hands. "Yeah, I'm eager, and yeah, I like it."

He slid his hands up and down the length of Remus' back, amazed by how good bare skin felt beneath his hands and by the way Remus was rising to meet the touch of his hands as if seeking his touch. He'd never touched anyone like this before, but he didn't feel self-conscious about it; he was too caught up in the strange, new sensations to feel awkward. It was as if his own skin - his entire body - had been dormant, and now Remus was making it come alive until he ached with the need for more.

"Good. I think you're ready for more, then," Remus murmured.

Holding Severus' gaze, he slowly lowered himself, brushing over Severus' body as he bent his head and lapped at one of Severus' nipples with his tongue, and then he nipped with his teeth, worrying it to a pebbled nub. Severus couldn't hold back a strangled cry, and he didn't bother to try, arching his back and digging his fingers into Remus' back.

"Fuck!" he gasped, his breathing growing shallow and rapid. "More! I'm ready!"

The outburst made Remus chuckle, his breath warm and moist against Severus' skin. He kissed his way across Severus' chest, and then he gifted Severus' other nipple with a slow series of licks and bites, as if he was determined to drive Severus utterly mad. Occasionally, he rocked his hips, making Severus acutely aware that the rough denim of Remus' jeans was the only barrier between him and far more stimulating contact.

Then Remus was moving again, mapping a trail down Severus' body with his tongue and teeth as if he intended to devour every inch of skin along the way. It was death by slow degrees, and Severus felt his muscles quivering under the onslaught of sensation until he was taut, on the verge of exploding. Remus paused at Severus' navel and dipped his tongue inside teasingly, and then he raised his head and stared at Severus along the length of his body with eyes that glittered.

"I want to taste you," he growled, and he yanked down Severus' pajama bottoms without waiting for an acknowledgment or permission.

Severus gasped as his cock bobbed free, hard and leaking, and Remus' gaze flicked downward; he stared hungrily at Severus' cock before growling and swooping down to engulf Severus' cock completely in the warm, wet heat of his mouth. Burying his fingers in Remus' hair, Severus cried out and rocked his hips up, seeking more of the exquisite torture. He could feel his face growing flushed, and sweat beaded his skin as his body grew taut, aching with a sweet, painful need unlike anything he'd ever felt before.

"Remus..." he moaned, too caught up in his own desperation to care what he said or how he sounded. "Please..."

He didn't know if Remus was answering his plea or simply doing what he wanted to do without regard to Severus' begging, but Severus felt Remus begin to hum low in his throat, the vibrations adding to the exquisite agony of arousal as Remus drew Severus in completely and then slowly, slowly released him again and again. Remus grasped his hips and pinned him to the bed so that Remus could control the pace, which he did with amazing skill. Time and again, Remus pushed him to the edge of the precipice only to pull him back, denying him the release he craved.

Severus' moans devolved into whimpers, and he tossed his head on the pillow and bit his lip, awash in pure sensation; it was like nothing he'd ever experienced before, better than brewing a difficult potion, better than Slytherin winning the House Cup, better than being right - better than _anything_ he could think of - and he wanted more. His body arched and strained for release, and his breathing was little more than shallow, rapid panting as his lungs labored for air, his mind gone, leaving him helpless to do anything more than writhe beneath Remus and hope for mercy.

Finally, when he thought that he might die from the overload of sensation, Remus relented, releasing his hips so that Severus was free to thrust, and he quickened his tempo as he bobbed up and down, making Severus cry out as his need surged. Remus slid his hands up to tweak Severus' nipples, and he growled, loud and low in a way that suggested he might devour Severus at any moment, and the sound went straight to Severus' cock, his hips bucking convulsively as he came hard, harder than he'd ever come on his own, the force of his release wracking his entire body. He collapsed, limp and drenched in sweat, and lay there, wide-eyed and fish-mouthed as he stared up at the ceiling.

"That was..." He trailed off and shook his head, at a loss for words for once.

Remus laved Severus' limp cock as if he didn't want to let a single drop escape, and he ended with a little lick that made Severus shiver, and then Remus prowled his way back up Severus' body, his every movement predatory.

"That was... not the end," he murmured, his voice deep and rough. When his head was level with Severus' neck, he lowered himself and nipped Severus' throat before continuing upward with a series of damp, open-mouthed kisses. Bracing himself on his elbows, he stared down at Severus, a feral smile curving his lips. "Think you can handle more?"

Severus gazed up at him, mesmerized by the dangerous light in his eyes, and shivered; he'd never imagined Remus had _this_ side hidden away under his shabby clothes and calm smiles, but he was thrilled by the discovery. Remus' aggressiveness and dominance made his toes curl, and he found himself wanting to bare his throat and do whatever the wolf asked.

"Yeah, I can handle it," he said, his own voice rough and raw. He gripped Remus' shoulders and gave him a challenging look. "I can take whatever you can dish out, old man."

Remus' eyes flashed at that, and he swooped down to capture Severus' mouth in a powerful, breath-stealing kiss, thrusting his tongue between Severus' lips to take and plunder without waiting for an invitation. Severus yielded without hesitation, tightening his arms around Remus and pulling him closer as he parted his lips eagerly. He liked feeling overwhelmed, and he liked feeling as if he could let go; he liked feeling safe enough to surrender without reservations, without holding anything back. He'd never been as free as he was right here and now in Remus' arms, and that made him want to give himself to Remus even more.

Kiss flowed into hot, breathy kiss while Remus' hands flowed over Severus' skin, intent on discovering every sensitive spot, every place where a caress could make Severus arch and moan. Then Remus stopped and pulled back to give Severus a wicked grin.

"Would you like to get acquainted with my body?" he asked as he rolled onto his back, bending one leg and lifting a hand over his head. He arched his back, and Severus could easily see the outline of his erection straining against the fabric of his jeans. "Then when you're ready, we'll see just how much more you can take."

The unexpected shift surprised Severus, and he sat up, momentarily disoriented; then Remus' words sank in, and he blinked and felt a slow blush rise in his cheeks as he thought about exploring Remus. He wasn't sure about what to do, but he could try. He stripped off his pajama bottoms and tossed them over the side of the bed, feeling a little self-conscious now that he was naked and no longer under the influence of raging need, and then he scooted closer and knelt beside Remus.

He stretched out his hand, letting it hover over Remus' chest, but then he stopped and looked at Remus questioningly. "What should I do?" he asked. He didn't like feeling unprepared, but in this situation, he was inexperienced and out of his depth; he'd never even had a quick grope under the mistletoe at Christmas before, much less attempted to arouse someone. "What do you like?"

Remus smiled, his expression a blend of encouragement and amusement. "Do whatever you'd like to do," he said. He captured Severus' hand and brought it to his lips, placing a kiss in the center of Severus' palm. "I like to be touched." He moved Severus' hand to his chest and pressed it flat against his warm, damp skin. "Just touch me, Severus. In any way you think you'd like to be touched yourself."

"Okay," Severus replied, flexing his fingers beneath Remus' hand and then tugging his hand free. He stared down at Remus' bare chest, just looking while he tried to decide what to do, and he thought about what he might like, although he didn't have any experience with that either; Remus was the first person to touch him like this, and he had no basis of comparison or body of knowledge to draw on.

At last, he forced himself to act, deciding to try anything rather than continue to sit there like a useless lump. He trailed his fingertips down the center of Remus' torso from throat to navel, stroking lightly, and he combed his fingers through the crisp, curling hair dusting Remus' chest. His own chest was smooth and hairless, and he found Remus' an interesting contrast.

"Yes...." Remus gave a soft moan and arched up against Severus' hand. "No one has touched me in so long. It feels wonderful."

Flattening his palm, Severus smoothed his hand along Remus' side and across his stomach in wide, sweeping strokes, and then he slid his hand up, stopping just short of Remus' nipples. He had liked the way Remus had teased his nipples, but he wasn't sure Remus would like it too, and he gave Remus a questioning look before proceeding.

"Please," Remus said breathlessly, and Severus could see the need in his eyes - the need for Severus and for his touch. "It would feel good, Severus. So very good."

Severus sat up straighter, his confidence bolstered, and he brushed his thumb across Remus' nipple, fascinated by the way it responded immediately, hardening beneath his touch.

Remus responded with another moan, and he writhed under Severus' touch. "Yes, just like that. I love it when you touch me. I thought about your hands on me... naughty thoughts. You have such beautiful hands, Severus."

"Really?" Severus ducked his head, a faint smile curving his lips. Other than his mother, no one had ever told him there was anything beautiful about him before, and he hadn't had enough experience with compliments to know how to respond. "Thanks," he muttered at last, focusing his attention on what he was doing. He teased Remus' nipple harder, and then he captured it between his thumb and forefinger, tugging experimentally.

With an incoherent gasp, Remus threw his head back and clenched his fists in the sheets. "More." He turned his head and stared at Severus with feral eyes burning with need. "More, Severus. I want to feel your hands on me."

Severus still felt a little self-conscious about his lack of experience and skill, but he couldn't resist trying to give Remus what he wanted, and he shifted to straddled Remus' hips, and he splayed his hands on Remus' chest. Slowly, he smoothed them down the length of Remus' torso, watching Remus from beneath his lashes as he explored and familiarized himself with Remus' body.

Goose bumps broke out on Remus' skin, and his breathing accelerated; he began to growl again as his pale skin grew flushed and damp, and Severus was gratified to see even his simple, inexpert caresses were enough to arouse Remus. Without warning, Remus moved with surprising speed, rolling Severus over and pinning him to the mattress. There was no mistaking the hunger in Remus' eyes as he knelt between Severus' legs and bent his head to claim a swift, hard kiss.

"Time for more," he said, drawing his wand from the back pocket of his jeans. He banished the rest of his clothing, leaving him as bare as Severus. He rocked his hips forward, hot, bare skin finally sliding against hot, bare skin, and Severus could feel the trembling in Remus' body as he seemed to fight against himself, the wolf rising in his eyes for Severus to see.

Cupping Remus' cheek in his hand, he gazed up at Remus. "I'm not afraid of you," he whispered huskily. Even he wasn't sure whether he was talking to Remus, the wolf, or both, but the words were sincerely meant.

With an incoherent groan, Remus captured Severus' lips again, and Severus thought he sensed gratitude as well as passion in the kiss. Then Remus murmured a spell against his mouth, and Severus felt one of Remus' long, slick fingers ease inside him slowly. He caught his breath, his eyes growing wide, and his body tensed at the unfamiliar invasion, but Remus set a gentle, easy rhythm until Severus relaxed again.

When Remus added a second finger, Severus hissed softly at the slight burn, but any pain he felt was forgotten when Remus stroked something within him that set off fireworks along his nerve endings, and he gasped an obscenity, his cock stirring with rekindled arousal.

"I want you," Remus growled, and then he deepened the kiss, invading Severus' body with fingers and tongue, and Severus shuddered with pleasure, surrendering to the demanding kiss and to the preparations; he didn't know what to expect, but he knew Remus would take care of him, and he was safe.

"Want you too," he murmured between kisses, growing restless as his need began to grow anew.

Remus seemed inspired by Severus' words, for his breath hitched and he kissed Severus even harder, as though attempting to fuse them together through the contact of their mouths. He continued to fuck Severus with two fingers and then three, increasing the tempo only when Severus was ready for more.

Apparently deeming Severus prepared enough, Remus pulled back and braced himself over Severus with one arm as he urged Severus to lift his hips with the other; excitement warred with apprehension in the pit of Severus' stomach as he complied, bracing his feet on the mattress so he could tilt his hips up. Staring down into Severus' eyes, Remus positioned himself between Severus' legs.

"Now," he said, and Severus felt the head of Remus' cock pressing against his entrance, breaching him, filling him as Remus claimed Severus' body in one long, slow thrust.

Severus sucked in a ragged breath at the unfamiliar invasion coupled with a stretching pain, and his eyes flew open wide as he stared up at Remus in return; he clutched Remus' shoulders, his fingers digging in until his body adjusted, and then he eased his grip and slid his hands down the length of Remus' back to cup his arse, pushing to urge him deeper.

"Now," he echoed. "Fuck me, Remus!"

"Yes," Remus ground out. He withdrew almost completely, pushing back against Severus' hands, and then he surged forward in a powerful thrust, burying himself even deeper in Severus' body. He set a steady rhythm - a slow withdrawal followed by a deep, powerful thrust - and Severus could see a wicked gleam in his eyes as he tormented Severus with the leisurely pace.

Severus groaned and tightened his fingers on Remus' firm arse, his toes curling with each slow, deep thrust; he wanted _more_, wanted this connection to last forever. He'd never imagined it would feel like this, so good and so right, and he bent his knees and spread his legs wide, moving with Remus as he gave himself over to the easy rhythm.

Remus' eyes were focused on his face, gleaming with intensity, and then Severus felt Remus push his hand between them and curl his fingers around Severus' cock, stroking it in counterpoint to the rhythm of their hips. Remus began to thrust faster, his hips pounding against Severus' arse harder, the staccato banging of the headboard against the wall keeping time.

With a low growl, he swooped down and fastened his teeth on Severus' throat again, a possessive gesture that called to something dark and primal within him, and he wanted to answer. With a choked cry, Severus threw his head back, the bite making his arousal surge higher and hotter as it He felt as if each deep, demanding thrust was cracking him open, making his walls and defenses crumble, and he let go, his back bowing as he came, a litany of profanity spilling from his lips as he rode out the waves of ecstasy.

Lifting his head, Remus seemed to drink in the sight of Severus' surrender, a growl of satisfaction escaping his lips. He braced himself on both hands, the tempo of his hips quickening as he rode Severus harder, and then with a hoarse cry, he threw his head back, his entire body surging as he came. Remus looked wild and primitive in the throes of release, free in a way that Severus had never seen before. For once, it seemed he wasn't holding anything back, letting Severus see the wildness that lived in the very depths of his soul.

Severus drank in the sight eagerly, and he wound his arms and legs around Remus, drawing him close to offer an acceptance of that darker side more eloquent than any words could express. He knew now there was more to Remus than calm smiles and cardigans, and something in that hidden side touched Severus' soul, giving him a sense of connection and understanding stronger than anything he'd ever known before.

With a sated smile, Remus slumped to one side and rolled Severus with him, drawing him closer. "Are you all right?" he asked huskily, tucking a strand of Severus' dark hair back behind his ear. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Severus rolled his eyes and huffed out an aggrieved sigh, unwilling to descend into maudlin soppiness no matter how he felt. "Don't be stupid!" he retorted. "I'm fine. It takes more than shagging a perverted old werewolf to hurt me." He suspected he would be sore later, but he didn't care; sex was brilliant, and he considered it well worth enduring a sore arse in the aftermath.

A rather breathy sounding chuckle escaped Remus, and he sagged back against the pillow. "Just making certain," he said quietly. "I may be perverted for fancying your young arse, but I've never had a taste for sadism. I've had enough pain in my life that I have no desire to inflict it on anyone, much less a lover."

"I'm fine," Severus said in a more amiable tone, and he shifted so he could lean his head on Remus' shoulder. "I liked it. A lot," he added vehemently, smacking Remus for emphasis before letting his hand come to rest on Remus' chest. "It didn't hurt in any way I didn't like, and I wasn't scared or traumatized, so you don't have to worry that you've scarred me for life or put me off sex forever. _Hardly_," he concluded with a satisfied smirk.

"Brat," Remus said, but there was no heat in his voice. He caressed Severus' shoulder, his touch gentle. "So where do you want to go from here? I'm a bit out of my depth at the moment. I'm no Mrs. Robinson, I'm afraid."

Severus frowned as he considered the question. The truth was, he hadn't thought any further than getting Remus into bed in the hopes it would convince Remus to let him stay, but instead, Remus was asking him what he wanted, and he found himself in the uncomfortable position of having to choose whether to be forthright or not. He wasn't used to giving straight answers, but then again, he'd never been anywhere he felt so safe before either.

"I want to stay with you," he said at last, quietly and without looking at Remus as he spoke. If there was a rejection coming, he didn't want to see the pity in Remus' eyes beforehand.

Remus curled his fingers under Severus' chin and tilted Severus' face up so that he could meet Severus' gaze. There was a smile on Remus' lips, and rather than pity, there was affection and something that Severus thought might have been relief in his eyes. "I want you to stay," he said, and then he leaned close and kissed Severus gently. "I realize you might change your mind once you're free to come and go as you please, or once you're out among people your own age, but you'll have a place with me for as long as you want one."

"People my own age are boring and stupid," Severus said, relieved to know he didn't have to go somewhere else if he didn't want to. "Besides, no one who's my age now would know about the same things I do. They probably wouldn't even like The Ramones," he added with a derisive sneer.

"Perhaps." Remus' tone was thoughtful, and then he smiled ruefully. "But you'll probably find me boring as well. I'm not in my dotage, but I'm not a young man anymore, either."

Propping himself up again, he studied Severus closely, his expression somber, and then he caressed Severus' cheek affectionately. "It's so unreal seeing you like this, the Severus I knew and yet not. You're so... undamaged. Oh, you're as opinionated and snarky and sarcastic as ever, I suppose, but I don't see the shadows that have always haunted your eyes. I always wondered what it would be like to be with you - the adult you, the man I've known for years. I always felt we were alike in many ways, especially in the things we'd been through and the pains we'd suffered. Now... now, looking at you, I feel like an old, old man with the years pressing down on me. I suppose I'm jealous in a way. If I could have the last twenty years wiped away, I'd happily do it. They have held nothing but pain and disappointment and loneliness for me... until now."

Severus ducked his head and squirmed a little, unsure of what to say; the implication that _he_ had brought an end to Remus' loneliness pleased him, but he was so unaccustomed to his presence being wanted by anyone but his mother, he didn't know how to react to finding himself being welcomed and wanted.

"You aren't _that_ old," he said at last, feeling generous even though he still thought thirty-eight was barely on the right side of dotage, but then he gazed at Remus somberly in return. "If I'd had a choice about this, I don't know what I'd decide, but after everything I've learned about what my life became, I don't feel like I'm losing much by not remembering it. I've been displaced, but I can catch up eventually, and..." He shrugged awkwardly and glanced away, feeling a rush of heat flooding his face. "I think my older self missed out by not taking a chance on you."

Remus' smile was slow and warm and held a depth of emotion Severus wasn't quite certain he could name. Lowering his head, Remus pressed his forehead to Severus'. "Thank you for that, Severus. We were never friends, unfortunately, and I always regretted that, especially since we were the last ones left of our year, the only ones who shared the same experiences, regrettable though some of them were. But I never hated you, no matter what you may have thought of me. Perhaps I missed out by not taking a chance on the older you as well. How lucky I am to have a second chance as well. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to Minerva, or worse, to the people who don't know who you are, but it doesn't really matter. I'd much rather have you with me than the approval of the entire world."

Severus smirked as he wound his arms around Remus' shoulders and shifted closer. "You could always say you're going through a mid-life crisis," he suggested, the evil curve of his lips making it clear he was teasing Remus again. "After two wars and a phony marriage, I think you deserve a boy toy."

Something of the wolf flashed in Remus' eyes in response to that, and he rolled over, pressing Severus against the mattress again. "You really are a brat," he growled, although the sound was sensual rather than threatening. "You may be a boy, but you're no toy. You're too dangerous for that. Of course, I happen to enjoy a bit of danger; it makes things exciting."

"Oh, yeah..." Severus breathed, yielding beneath Remus immediately. He wrapped his legs around Remus' hips, the sound of the growl making him shiver pleasurably, and he gazed up at Remus with half-lidded eyes. "I enjoy danger, too."

Remus bared his teeth in a feral smile. "Good, because danger is what you've got, Mr. Snape," he said, rocking against Severus suggestively. "Mmm... You'll have to let me know when you're ready for more. You don't realize it, but you have twenty years of sex to make up for."

"In that case," Severus purred, rocking his own hips to match Remus' rhythm, "I hope you've got a lot of stamina, old man, because you're going to need it."

"Don't tease the werewolf, little boy," Remus growled in reply. "You might find out he has more bite than bark." With that, he swooped down and fastened his teeth into the tender flesh of Severus' neck, worrying it hard enough that Severus knew there would be a mark, which he didn't mind at all.

With a soft cry, he tilted his chin up, the feel of Remus' teeth on his throat making him ache with need anew, and he clenched his fingers on Remus' back. "Promises, promises," he gasped. "I told you I'm not afraid of you, and I meant it."

Remus didn't answer, not in words at least, but by the touch of his hands and the fiercely possessive way he drove Severus wild with need, it was obvious Severus would never having anything to fear at all, not ever again.


	7. Chapter 7

Over the next three weeks, Severus read history books about the first war and newspaper articles McGonagall sent him about the second war; between those and the stories Remus and McGonagall told him about their own experiences and what they knew of his, he felt like he had a pretty good idea of what had happened and what part he'd played. It gave him even less reason to regret having lost those twenty years, and as he acclimated to the new world he found himself in, he found himself changing in unexpected ways.

When he'd first woken up in the hospital wing, he'd been bitter and angry about pretty much everything, and he'd been convinced that escaping Hogwarts and joining Voldemort would make him happy. Now, however, he felt the anger he'd carried around since he was a boy fading day by day, dissipating like mist in sunlight as his contentment grew. He'd longed for a place to belong, and he'd found it with Remus; he'd longed to find someone who appreciated his talents and didn't try to suppress or ignore him, and Remus praised his skill and cleverness every day. Remus encouraged him to try new things and told him there was nothing he couldn't do if he put his mind to it; he'd even supported Severus' decision to learn the Animagus transformation from McGonagall and made Severus preen when he'd said he thought Severus would master the skill even more quickly than Potter and Black. Of course, they hadn't had the advantage of taking lessons from an Animagus, but Severus preferred to ignore that.

He'd longed for someone other than his mother to accept and love him, and he'd sought it in all the wrong places. Now, he had what he'd always wanted with Remus, and even he could see how good it was for him. No longer oppressed by darkness, he felt as if he was unfurling into full bloom, his self-confidence growing with every caress, kind word, and admiring look from Remus, and he grew more and more certain with every passing day that he never wanted to leave.

But he harbored a secret fear that if his name was cleared and he was given back his house and belongings, he would have to move out, and maybe everything would be different between them once he had his life back. Thus he dreaded the possibility, and he even hoped he might have to remain incognito so he'd have an excuse to stay with Remus.

The suspense ended on the day McGonagall came by the flat, beaming widely at Severus as she bustled into the lounge, and Severus' heart sank; he knew what she was going to say even before she exclaimed, "I have good news!"

As he moved forward to greet her, Remus donned the mask of calm detachment Severus hadn't seen him wear in weeks, and it made Severus' heart sink to see it. "Really?" Remus asked, the light tone of his voice giving away nothing of his true feelings. "Why don't you sit down, then, and tell us about it. Tea?"

"Thank you, but no." McGonagall shook her head as she took a seat in the chair by the hearth and clasped her hands neatly in her lap.

Severus perched on the edge of the sofa, clenching and unclenching his fingers nervously as he watched her. "So what's the news?" he asked, a hint of the old belligerence in his voice.

"I have good news for both of you, actually." She glanced back and forth between them, her eyes bright with anticipation. "I've had word from Kingsley. He'll be in touch with you both personally, but he's quite busy, as you can imagine, and so he asked me to pass along the information so you won't have to wait any longer than you already have for it. First, your name has been cleared, Severus! I'm certain the story will be all over the newspaper tomorrow, including the... er... magical accident." She offered a chagrined smile. "But despite your age regression, you are still legally entitled to your home, your belongings, and your vault at Gringott's, and they will be restored to you right away."

Rather than feeling elated, Severus felt the bottom of his stomach drop out, but he mustered a wan smile nonetheless. "That's great. Thanks."

McGonagall peered at him over the top of her glasses, looking taken aback. "I confess I expected a little more enthusiasm," she said tartly.

"I'm glad," he said, shrugging, and then he glanced sidelong at Remus. "I guess... I'm used to the way things have been."

Remus turned to look at him. "Congratulations, Severus," he said softly. "I'm glad your name has been cleared. It wouldn't have been fair for you to be forced to hide or to take the blame for things you didn't actually do."

"Yeah." Severus stared down at the floor for a moment, tense in ways he hadn't been for weeks; he knew what he wanted, but he was afraid to ask for it. At no point during the past few weeks had either of them talked about the future or a commitment, but he supposed if they were going to, now was as good a time as any. "I'm glad I don't have to change my name, but..." He sat up straight and turned to Remus, ignoring McGonagall for the moment. "Look, I have a house now, and the decor of this flat is utter crap, and you act like you aren't really at home here, so..." He drew in a deep breath and let the words come out all in a rush. "Wantolivewithmeinstead?"

Remus started at that, and his jaw dropped as he stared at Severus, appearing confused, as though he wasn't certain he'd heard Severus correctly. A slow smile spread over his face, hesitant at first, then growing wider. He took a step toward Severus, then another, and he skirted around McGonagall's chair so that he stood in front of Severus. "If that's what you want... yes. I'd like to live with you."

Awash in relief, Severus stood up and reached for Remus' hand, clasping it tightly. "It's what I want. The house is big enough for both of us, and we can redecorate if you want. I don't care. I just don't want to move out and leave you here if I don't have to."

Remus returned the pressure of Severus' hand, and then he lifted his free hand to cup Severus' cheek, gazing at Severus fondly. "I want to stay with you, too. I wasn't certain how much... how long you wanted to remain with me. Especially once your name was cleared. But I think it will be good for both of us."

Severus leaned into the touch, sheer relief making him feel light again, and he nodded. "It'll be good," he agreed.

Minerva cleared her throat, and he glanced at her, not embarrassed or ashamed; she'd known about the change in their relationship ever since she visited shortly after the full moon, and while she had been shocked at first, she had accepted it far more quickly than he'd thought she would - although she had drawn them both aside for a stern talking-to. He still didn't know what she'd said to Remus, but she had lectured him about his attitude and about not toying with Remus' affections.

"I do still have more news," she said pointedly, and Severus frowned, puzzled by what other possible news she could have. "This news is for you, Remus." Her smile widened as she continued. "Kingsley has repealed the anti-employment laws. You're free to begin looking for a job any time you like." She tilted her head inquisitively, her expression hopeful. "Actually, I need a Defense teacher." She glanced at Severus with the same hopeful look in her eyes. "Horace wants to return to retirement, and I need a Potions instructor as well. You're young, yes, but you have an innate talent for potions that Horace does not - although if you tell him I said so, I'll be most displeased," she added sternly.

"Really?" Remus squeezed Severus' hand tightly, his calm mask slipping enough to reveal his delighted surprise. "Thank you, Minerva, I'd like that." He glanced at Severus. "What do you think? You didn't like teaching much the first time around, but this time, it could be different. It could be better."

Surprised by the offer, Severus didn't reply at first; his knee-jerk response was to say no, but Remus was right: things were different now. _He_ was different, and the hatred for Hogwarts that had burned within him only a few weeks ago had faded along with his anger and bitterness. Teaching at Hogwarts would give him ample time to pursue his own interests in the field of potions, and while he wasn't sure about teaching, there was nothing else he particularly wanted to do either. He didn't want to work in an apothecary, and he didn't want to work in law enforcement, or study the healing arts, or become a paper-pusher at the Ministry. What he wanted was to continue creating spells and developing potions, maybe even publishing his findings, and teaching at Hogwarts would give him access to an extensive library of resources.

"I could try it for a year," he said at last. "If I don't like teaching, I'll have time to figure out what I do want to do."

Remus' face lit up with an unfettered happiness that Severus had never seen before, and that alone made Severus feel as if he'd made the right decision. Remus wound his arms around Severus and drew him into an embrace, and his voice was low and husky when he released Severus and turned to Minerva again. "This is indeed good news, and I'm grateful you brought it to us. I owe you a great deal, Minerva, not just for the job, but for calling me when you needed someone to help Severus. I never expected things to turn out the way they have, but I'm grateful for it."

Severus rolled his eyes at Remus' display and huffed with annoyance. "Okay, okay! Everyone is getting a happily ever after, even the big bad wolf. Can we focus on the important thing here, which is when can we move out of this Technicolor hellhole?"

"There is still some paperwork to deal with," Minerva replied, gazing at them both with something like a beatific smile. "However, I believe you will be able to take possession of your assets by the end of the week."

"It will take a few days for us to sort out everything and pack anyway," Remus said, reaching for Severus' hand again and holding it unselfconsciously. "We have some shopping to do, too. We need a bigger bed, for one thing."

Severus clasped Remus' hand in return rather than trying to tug free; he had a feeling he'd have to get used to public displays of affection, but he didn't really mind. Unlike Lily, who had distanced herself from Severus after he was Sorted into Slytherin, Remus wasn't ashamed to be seen or associated with him, and he liked feeling as if Remus was actually proud of him.

"I don't know why you care about getting a bigger bed when you spend the whole night clinging to me like I'm a life-sized teddy bear or something," he grumbled, but there wasn't any genuine snark behind it.

Remus turned his head, and Severus saw a flash of the wolf in his hazel eyes. "We'll discuss what can be done in a bigger bed after Minerva leaves. I wouldn't want to shock her."

"Yes, I believe the turn in the conversation is my cue to leave," Minerva said, although she looked more amused than scandalized. "If I learn anything more from Kingsley, I will let you know at once." With that, she waved and departed by the Floo, disappearing in a flash of green flames.

As soon as she was gone, Severus turned to Remus with a smirk. "We can also discuss getting a school uniform and playing 'The Professor and the Naughty Schoolboy'."

"No need to discuss it. I still have my teaching robes, and we can transfigure something for you," Remus replied in a deep, husky voice, and then he tugged Severus' hand, leading toward the bedroom. "Come along, Mr. Snape; let's see if you're as good with transfiguration as you are at potions."

"I'm good at a lot of things, professor," Severus replied with an ever-widening smirk as he let himself be led away.

His life was nothing like what he'd expected it to be once he left school, but compared to what it had been in terms of both the events he remembered and the events he didn't, he preferred this strange and unexpected path far more. He was young, he was free, and he had choices spread out before him like a banquet, all waiting to be sampled. He had a home, a job, and a lover, and for the first time since he was six years old, Severus Snape was happy. The world had changed, and so had he, but in his opinion, they were both a lot better off.

-end-


End file.
